Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I want to "marry the night"

To subsidize lyrics from Lady Gaga, one of my many mentors and influences,

I want to marry the night
don't wanna give up on my life

I want to marry the night
I don't wanna cry anymore
leave nothing on these streets to explore

In an recent interview, she told Katie Couric that her song (and subject of her latest music video) is about giving herself entirely to her music, making it the number 1 thing in her life.

I wish nothing more right now than to bring forth advice handed down to the troubled students of Room 203 by Erin Gruwell (played by Hilary Swank in "Freedom Writers")...

every voice that says that 'you can't' is silenced

I wish I could silence all the voices of doubt in my head and the seeds planted by the people whose opinions I heed most of all.

I didn't grow up in a troubled household, troubled neighborhood. I have a lot of things others don't have. Someone once misinterprted me when I said that stories/movies about teachers influencing their students are something I get warm & fuzzy about, that I relate to...
they said that I don't need to be inspired because I sent a little time painting myself as "the golden child" in my household

Fine, that was my mistake to undermine my situation. I've said that being the oldest and showing that I can do great things if I put my mind to it, there's more pressure on me than my younger sister. It infuriates me that she isn't pushed nearly as much as I am to succeed.
I spent the first couple years of my education in special ed. I progressed, found my way out of it, and since then, I'd been mainstreamed into regular classes with everyone else.

There's pressure on me because I succeeded in college and brought home a B.S. degree with a 3.76 grade point average.
I am only as good as my grades. School is where I thrive, but in the real world, I never had a clue as to what my goals were, my lot in life. These are all things that I'd doubted, thought about over this year long period of unemployment

It really sucks feeling like you don't belong anywhere because nobody wants to hire you, no position caters to your skill-set (which isn't much more than the fact I know a lot about a variety of subjects, I'm good at math and I can write exceedingly well).
Whatever is out there, I have no experience to get into much of anything. And anything that doesn't require experience, I don't have the skill-set for. I don't have great conversation skills, I don't want to have to be phony in showing how pleasureable I am because who wants a reserved person serving them in the real world. The fact I have a college degree has a lot of people turning me down without so much as a phone call to say I'm not what they're looking for.

Writing was the only thing I'd really wanted to do, that I felt I could excel in since I was maybe 17... whenever I started writing original stories.
But as much as my family is in my corner, supports what I do and appreciates what I do in my writing, when it comes to going beyond the walls of my bedroom, it's all about what I can't do. I know my limitations in the real world because, let's face it, I'm not a great conversationalist. When my parents talk about me and occasionally show me off to their friends 'my daughter the marine biologist, the college graduate,' it makes me sick because that's not all that I am.

Again and again, I have been oppressed into believing I can't do what I love to do. 'There's no money in it.' Now, given my position, living at home and all that, that's not the big issue at the moment... but right now, all I really need is just to be given a chance to succeed doing what I love.
I need to somehow start forming connections in the writers' community. People to look at what I've written over the years and tell me what works and what doesn't. A second opinion is something I never really got from anyone with any pull in that area. And I know it's competitive. All of the agents that have rejected me tell me that in their rejection letters "as you are probably aware, this industry is very competitive."

It makes me really want to pull off some obscene gesture to show my disgust and that's not my personality at all. I'm not very argumentative and I try to avoid confrontation when at at all possible. Unless I'm writing my statement, I can't argue my way out of a paper bag. I fall apart because I'm just so overwhelmed by the opposition.

I want nothing more than for those voices of 'I can't' to be silenced. I want nothing more than my family to support my writing and actually going out of their way to say that I like to write and I write very well. Enough of being introduced as the college graduate or the marine biologist. I was told that I had to go to college to give myself a chance in this crazy world.
I was told to major in a scientific displicine because that's where the money is, that's where job security is. I was literally disbarred from even considering a creative writing major. It'd be the equalivant of "throwing my life away" in my parents' eyes. I know that's what they think even though they haven't exactly said those words.

My greatest fear at the moment is that... even if someone I applied to takes notice and gives me a paycheck on a regular basis, that's not going to be enough for me. I'm never going to be happy unless I'm doing what I love.
It sounds like a cop-out or that I'm crying out for help by saying this... but today of all days, my mind is getting into a pretty dark place. It's not exactly to the point of Martin Riggs from "Lethal Weapon," but I'm getting highly doubtful about my ability to succeed in the real world. I visit this place once every couple months. Ironically, this might be as a result of the winter/Christmas blues... the feelings are more intense this time of year for a reason. What's keeping me relatively sane is immersing myself in non-reality, bits and pieces of pop culture.

It's even stranger saying that Robert Downey Jr., perhaps not the greatest role model in the world given his rocky past, is both the reason I'm keeping sane and why I've been confronting my doubts on a regular basis. He got honest about himself and reached out to the point where it allowed him to heal and become the rare Hollywood success story that he is now.
More and more, I've embraced Lady Gaga as a life coach, mentor and role model. Her "Born this way" album has a couple of songs that I could identity with where they speak of creeds I could live by.

I should be happy with myself because I was "born this way."
I just want to be free, I just want to be me... I don't wanna change, I don't wanna be ashamed ("Hair")

a lot of her songs on this album, she wrote for her little monsters, a little something to give them strength because their support has given her strength

I know what I am through my writing. My characters occasionally get the opportunity to showcase my insecurities, my doubts. In times of trial, they question if they have skill or the power to accomplish their goals, which often includes keeping a loved one safe. However cliché that might be, it works for me.

I would write about this, about my non-activity, my non-believing in myself, but I wouldn't even know where to start.

As hard as it might be to believe, it's true:

I'm straight, I'm white, I have a great family that is comfortable in the middle-class and a lot of their resources have gone into my education, I'm a college graduate.

Even though I have all of that going for me, I'm still unhappy with myself and my situation.
It is possible to have everything and nothing at the same time.

I don't have to write it down a million times for me to truly believe that what I want more this year for Christmas is self-confidence, self-assurance and support from more people who are in a position to help me achieve goals. If not that, then people who have my back and help me towards a brighter future.

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