Thursday, May 17, 2012

Talia Montez back-story discussion ["Te Busque"]

Just to give this blog a little more regularity, a little more activity, I'm going to pretty much post all of my sketches and ideas here... I'll bounce them off my own blog and see what else comes up.

A quote came to mind from a movie and I simply built on it.
Took me a while to remember that it was from "50 first dates" in a scene where Drew Barrymore tells Adam Sandler
"You have to realize that there is no future with me."

It just popped into my head and sounded like a great place to start. I put together a few sentences, a hypothetical conversation somewhere in the middle of this story, or perhaps towards the beginning, say chapter 5 or 6.

It got pretty interesting, actually.
For the newcomer lover, I finally decided on the name: Juan Paulo Escavedo

even more interesting, I looked up the origin of the surname and found another name I planned to use, Alejandro... the name of Sheila E's uncle

maybe I should push things a step further and make Juan Paulo a musician :-P
nah, I'll leave that for another time, figuring out what he's doing in Rio of all places. I believe he's American or at least Latin American (has a couple generations to his name, so there's nothing that should connect him to the whole illegal immigration thing that's a hot topic these days)...

shoot... it's one thing that this is an album fic, but its another where a lot of the other songs I'm considering to inspire scenes are all from the same artist... just got me thinking about lyrics in "Americano" where the lyrics say "I don't speak your languango... I don't speak your Jesus Christo... don't you try to catch me now... I'm living on the edge of the law"

Juan Paulo, I believe, was very much raised with American values and grew up like anyone else in our country. But he still maintains a little bit of an accent, tiny bit, because maybe his grandparents live in the same house as his family, which might be large... possibly the oldest or youngest of 5 siblings... those are just ideas

Talia is the center of my focus right now. And I got the surname Montez, thinking oddly enough about the character Gabriella Montez from High School Musical... they've nothing in common, I just needed a catchy surname that sounded exotic and it follows within the realm of possibility for Portuguese descent

believe me, I tossed around other famous surnames like Cruz and Hayek, Mendes and Bandereas... all of them sounded cheesy and it would sound contrived... not a lot of people would guess Montez came from anywhere specific

maybe to be safe I'll make it Montes... I'll compare the two in print and see which I like... for once, I would at least like my characters to have last names... usually it's something I completely bypass to save time on the creativity process.

here's the conversation I derived from that first line:

Talia: You need to understand that there is no future with me. In my line of work, everything is business. There's no room for emotions in this game. And that's what this is to a lot of people.

J.P: It wasn't a game to me. It never was. This is real. Deep down, I know you feel the same way too.

Talia: Then you are a fool for falling for my act the way so many others have before you.

Pretty hardcore stuff...
Talia's been in this business a long time. I've surmised since the day she turned 18. Now I believe she's going into her 30's or mid-30's... haven't entirely decided yet.
Like it is with a lot of people, if you're in a certain way of life for a long time and it's all you know, you resist change.

Taking it from my own experiences... I'm risking further exclusion from society for not conforming to [fill the blank]... long story

Why would it be that she refuses to leave this line of work... is it the only thing she has going for her... is it the only thing she knows how to do...

I started digging through my head and gave up with something pretty sick and disturbing.
But I wouldn't say unheard of.

I did a little research and came across a research article on the racy topic I'm attempted to tackle in part with this story: prostitution... and I looked to see if the reason I drafted in my mind came up.
It did...

There were a few other things, most of which involve pimps and abusive relationships... I don't know if I'm necessarily that far into considering that at all... still haven't figured out the relationship with her and Alejandro

financial stuff... and part of this is financially related... more on that later...
to support a drug habit... I don't care if this is in South America, I don't want to involve drugs in this anywhere... certainly not going to make her an addict... and considering my recent (well, the past year) putting my foot down on this issue, it's convenient enough where there's no point in doing it. It's the obvious choice... kinda the same way where a lot of romance novels and movies show sexual content to prove a point

I don't quite know if I want to make Alejandro a messed up character or not... if anything, he'd have a problem holding his liquor... but I haven't an answer in my head...

At one point in the article, I finally came across the go-ahead I need: past history of abuse
It was like a lightbulb went off in my head...

a pretty sensitive topic, almost as much as discussing different elements of the sex trade (where I'm only going through one or two angles)

I've determined the following about Talia's past:

She was homeschooled by her mom her whole life.
Her dad either died or left them when she was at a young age.
Her mom remarried to support their financial situation... they survived mostly on her working double-shifts as a waitress...
Her stepfather is a younger man...

now, supposing... eee... not sure if I'm liking where this is going, but I'll see how it feels...
her mom got knocked up by her boyfriend when she was a teenager or just barely 18...

well, that wouldn't necessarily be outrageous... I was kinda thinking that maybe there was a little bit of an age difference when her mom remarries because she marries a younger guy

This happens, I believe, when Talia's maybe 11... maybe 12...
because when she's 15, the stepfather is in his early 30's...

not a HUGE age gap, but supposing that the marriage happens when he's around 26-27 and her mom is in her mid-30's... so when he's 30-31, she's 38-39

Her mom remarries to help with the financial situation, but something doesn't quite check out. She still has to work long hours every night while the stepfather probably does manual labor for minimum wage.

Because her mom's working a lot, she and her stepfather have this special relationship... things don't get to this point until she's 15... but she trusts him wholly and completely...
you see where this is going...

but there're no red flags about the situation. She trusts him and in fact, he convinces her that he loves her and vice versa... I mean, he's a good looking guy, hence the reason why I made him slightly younger than her mom.

In retrospect, the reason he's doing this is because there's nothing going on sexually between him and the woman he married... so he fulfills whatever needs with the only other available girl in his life...

Then the ultimate kicker...
I haven't figured out how or why yet... but he dies when she turns 18... and her family has NO money to their name. He took it all with him in one shape, form or the other... naturally Talia's pissed, feels very much betrayed by what he did... therefore the reason she feels that she can't trust another man in a relationship because in the end, he turns on her...

And she doesn't find out about this betrayal until his death... no chance for a confrontation or explanation from the horse's mouth...

The homeschooling thing works her situation in a couple ways...
firstly, she's pretty much isolated from other experiences. She doesn't establish any friendships and those that she had had languished over time once her stepfather came into the picture.
secondly, she wasn't given a formal education so she's not suited for any line of work... can't even get into a college because there're no funds to her name... and that's the last thing on her mind...

Yeah, I agree that the idea is sick & twisted... that her sexual experiences came from encounters she had with someone living in her house... and yet that's what she goes on to do...
She decides that it's all about business.

I'm still toying around with the idea that maybe her mom worked at the same place she goes on to work at... and the name itself got her in the door...

the question marks remain about how her stepfather died... and if her mom is still alive...
was there a murder/suicide?
did her mom got insane or have a breakdown after finding out what happened...
did she get incapacited in a scuffle over the situation...

I don't believe that either of them knew about what he did with what little money they had until his untimely death... and I don't believe either of them were responsible for it...
maybe he was a gambler, owed some people a lot of money and ultimately they knocked his block off to call it even...

That sounds a little too much like The Pick-up Artist... where Molly Ringwald would gamble her paychecks for working at the museum to settle her father's debt...

I'm thinking that maybe the gambling thing could work... but for the first couple years, Talia turns to this business to settle the debt... something that these bookies don't seem to mind at all, maybe because they heard things... sick things...

She'd do it until she was 21... the original deal...
then I think part of it becomes a disease that twists in her head...
she's repaid the debt and even got her mom a visa to America... and stayed behind because it's the only thing she knows how to do...

I mean, she's going into her 30's now when the story officially begins... the majority of this will be backstory only... the story sets up with a couple of dance numbers of hers... Alejandro gets introduced here... Juan Paulo and a couple of his friends arrive... perhaps to see the city during Carnivale... still working on that

Then I came up with another pretty sick/cool idea...

That her stepfather used to call her "princess"... that was his petname for her...
of course after finding about the betrayal, she loathes being called that...

at some point during that previous conversation I started, she's gotta blow up at Juan Paulo...

"so you're going to be my knight in shining armor... saving the poor damsel in distress... You're no prince and I will never be anyone's princess!"
something to that effect...

I'm almost thinking there's going to be a point in the story where one of her clients starts to take advantage of her and he's going to come to her rescue... of course she'll be pissed at him, not thanking him for saving her... saying that she didn't need to be saved, etc, etc.

She's very proud and resists changing at every cost... at some point, she's going to start changing her mind... much to the displeasure of Alejandro... who might even believe they're together just because he's a regular "client" of hers that she occasionally sees outside the workplace... heck, she could be an escort too

lol... just thinking about Heather Graham in "The Hangover"
"technically I'm an escort, but stripping's a great way to meet the clients"

I've drawn the line at stripping and provocative dancing.

The backstory will prove useful later on... when I'm trying to sift through her actions and determine if there're within her nature or not... based on this or that, would she do this or that... that sort of thing.

I don't believe that my writing will get any darker than that kind of relationship between people... a teenage girl romantically involved with her stepfather, who's really using her for sex and her family for their money to support his addiction to gambling... lol... I wonder if there're even casinos in Rio

Thursday, May 10, 2012

"Te Busque"- a Nelly Furtado album fic

This isn't exactly romantasy based and by no means in my area of expertise. This is merely an idea.

Every now and then, I experience this phenomenon. I listen to an album and either based on stuff I'm going through or just daydreaming, pictures pop in my head.
I might have addressed this with my Lindsay Lohan inspired album fic, which will probably be called "Nobody 'till you" when I finally get my act together on it. I didn't connect with the album "Speak" quite until my mind started revolving around this guy I had a crush on during my senior year of high school. Almost every song reminded me of him, so ideas came to mind of what I could do. Its kinda like a cross between wish fulfillment and realistic fiction, taking situations I faced and explored the "what if's"... except for the fact that a lot of it seemed very manufactured and biased, despite it being in 3rd person POV.

Like I said, a lot of stuff to work on.

Then one day I was listening to Prince's "Come" album and during the 2nd track, "Space"... my mind went off to another world... not quite to outer space, but I was transported somewhere else. I followed the rabbit hole, listening through the album a few times within the same week to try to get pictures and images together to put each song to a scene and vice versa.
The only unfortunate part now is when it comes time to write about that particular album for my project is I might be rendered unable to review the album. Ever since I got my album fic together, I haven't been able to think of it any other way. The same scenes always came back.

Now it's happened with Nelly Furtado's "Loose" album, which evolved into one of my most unexpected pleasures as far as my music collection goes. I didn't quite get into it at first. The hip-hop flavor, I wasn't necessarily accustomed to and it was so far and behind her first single "I'm like a bird," which I never really liked to begin with.
You could say that "Say it right" and "Promiscious" guided me on my way through the album.
My mind just wandered off a couple Saturdays ago and boy was I surprised to see what came out.

Albeit, a little unorthodox and definitely not my area of expertise or even covering subject matter I'm entirely comfortable with.

I looked up the translation of the title of one song on the album and it translates to "I searched for you"
until I find a better title, that'll be temporary.

There are a lot of temporary things that I need to sort through before I even type the words "chapter 1."
I know I have at least three key players, one of them is my heroine, the girl I see in my mind whenever I listen to the vocals on the album.
One of them will be her secret lover that she eventually ends up together with in a happy ending.
And the third is probably the most mysterious of them all because I don't know anything about him.

The only thing I do know: he is VERY protective of her.
Under the impression that she's his property. To say they're romantically linked would be a stretch... because I don't know quite what it is yet. I think the majority of it is based on the physical aspects rather than knowing each other's personalities.

I don't know if I'm very content in saying that the entire relationship is based on sex and that's all she is to him, his own whore for all intensive purposes.
Because just thinking about typing the word "whore" or having that particular state of mind coming from him... I mean, ultimately this is something that's going to empower women rather than making them out to be objects.

You never really know sometimes in 3rd world countries like this what kind of things go on. But I don't know just how much I'm willing to push the issue.
In fact, some of the ideas floating in my head about my approach almost make me feel ill... I mean, the mere idea of a man believing he owns a woman so much that despite the line of business she's in, he can tell her "I want to have you in my bed tonight, so tell everyone that they won't be able to hire you for the night"...

man, that disgusts me... not to mention the fact that I don't know just how much sex I plan to put in this... I only wrote my first ever sex scene a couple months ago, so the idea of approaching that is a bit nerve-wrecking. Plus this one morale I have that has kinda gone out the window along with that.... I don't feel the need to really put a physical relationship into my works because that's not what I believe relationships should be strictly based on... that's something that really makes me ill, the idea of that being all there is.

All sorts of ideas are coming to mind about the kind of story I want to write... but I really want it to be something of value, but also something that people will want to read, rather than it being some experiment for my own personal needs. I've written maybe 3 sex scenes, going into a little detail, but not too far into it because it's still a touchy issue for me.
One of them was a very selfless gesture... the girl doing a favor for this guy that's been down and out and it kinda affirms that he has value...
another was very emotional, because they hadn't been together in a long time and their relationship was never about that, but she figured in their time apart that he'd be the person she'd like to lost her virginity to... it was the kind of thing where he supported her and wouldn't let her steer wrong...
The third was, eh... not exactly pure, but it was one of the strangest things I'd experimented with... the girl has been in a relationship with her girlfriend for a week, like maybe 3-6 months... the physical hasn't been satisfying or it just plain hasn't been there... she kinda decides that she wants to be with a man and kinda realizes that it's better with a man... I haven't gotten too far into it, but what I kinda figured is that she ended in a lesbian relationship because maybe of an encounter with a man that temporarily scared her away from thinking of the opposite sex in that way

Then there was a 4th time where it was hinted at and pretty much said that it happened, but I didn't go into any real details about the actual act.

All of this coming a virgin, who you might believe is sexually deprieved... it was pretty insane for a while between a number of sex scenes in movies putting ideas in my head, but also assuring me that it was okay to explore that in my writing cuz I hadn't before.

What's even crazier is the fact that I didn't feel anywhere near up for writing this kind of stuff or exploring it 5 years ago... I mean, I got a book from Comic-Con from a series written by Sherrilyn Kenyon, and when I read it, it was so hard to get through because every couple chapters there was a very graphic sex scenes. I wanted to almost throw the book across the room because it freaked me out.

And no, this doesn't mean I'm eager to pick that back up or buy into "50 shades of gray"... which had become such a sensation that SNL wrote a very uncomfortable sketch about it last Saturday... kinda like a mother's day commerical for Amazon, but every time the husband and/or kids came into the room with kids, the mom was using "50 shades of gray" for the same purposes as a guy does with Playboy & Penthouse

Don't you give me that crap "I read it just for the articles"

... back to the story ideas I'm trying to put together.
I have ideas for the three main characters in my "love" triangle

Don't know how the jealous b/f feels about the heroine, but I don't know how much of it is love and how much is lust...
something tells me that he has a very Italian New Yorker type personality... like a gang/mafia mentality... his attitude is that he doesn't like it when other guys get to oogle his girl.

I still don't know what kind of venue this is. It's not a striptease joint because there's no stripping and there're no poles. It has a bar. It could be something of a club, but the act that brings people in each time are the dancing sirens.
Part of the establishment is a prostitution ring, but the details still have yet to come together. I see a lot of lap dances happening, private rooms and all that... so maybe stripping does happen behind closed doors, but only the high rollers get the utmost "pleasure" of taking a girl home with them to spend the night with.

There's a certain cameraderie between these women because there's only maybe 4-5 of them including my heroine. What they do in the public setting involves a song and dance act. The dancing is sexy, but not dirty or provactive with obscene gestures and stuff like that. Listening to this album, the majority of it has a lot of belly-dancing and elements from Bollywood. With some of it, I can even imagine there being some Salsa dancing.

Even though I know that the majority of the record is Nelly Furtado singing her own back-up, the group setting is just more visually appealing. Naturally as my heroine, she's at the center of the group, the star that a lot of people come out to see.
Maybe even, she'd just become the star because the girl originally in her place fell ill or... stuff happened... quite possibly that's where things could get very intense.

Which brings forth the biggest variable that I need to iron out and determine:
where in South America does this take place?

I kinda see it being a hot spot in an otherwise run down neighbor that has a lot of poverty, or rather it's on the outskirts of that. She and the girls were plucked from the situation, likely because they had no families or their families wanted to give them a better life.
I'm not quite sure how their dancing talents were found out about to where the "plucking" could happen... and for the record, recruitment doesn't happen unless they're of 18. In some South American countries, that might even be 17 instead of 18... but I just feel more comfortable with it being 18.

Eh... something tells me that the girls that end up working there have had no other opportunity aside from selling themselves in that way... it's very troubling and sad, but it happens a lot, even to this day.

Therefore I need to do a little research on these types of establishments, which could lead to some unpleasant looks into sex trafficking (not a very age-objectionable trade either), looking into which South American countries where this happens most often to help narrow down the list.
Most likely I'll be restricted to the detail that Nelly Furtado is of Pourtuguese ethnicity so the countries where those routes are more prominent is where I'd start

Of course I still need a leg to stand on so if the other details don't match up with Pourtgal relations, then I'll drop that particular detail.
Right now, I'm prematurely aiming for Brazil or one of the countries north of it like Venuzula or Bolivia... Chile and Argentina don't quite feel right to me, but then again, I'll do my research before deciding.

As for the playlist, I'm flexible in not necessarily strictly sticking to this one Nelly Furtado album... it was the activating incident that started all of this, but I'm open for other ideas. Pretty much anything that kinda sounds exotic is fair game.
Because of the similarities, I listened to Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi"... then I decided to check out "Alejandro" from her 2nd album.

It sounds like it could work really well in the mix to the point I might even be inspired to call the jealous boyfriend Alejandro...

actually, the activating incident might be "Sex Shooter," that song Apollonia 6 did in Purple Rain... the choreography for that particular number inspired a few of the things that became to mind while listening to the album

When it comes to my heroine, something that's important is her initial mindset. She'd been doing this for a while, since she was 18, but she only became the lead girl of the group for less than a year.
Eh, when it comes to thinking about possibly a troubling truth, that scares me a little bit... especially when I'm thinking of a "Dirty Dancing" situation... where the loser that knocked up Penny was moving on to the next defenseless girl...

like it would be outrageous... if the jealous boyfriend was in a relationship with her before he moved on to my heroine and later on, she finds out that he's not as good as he claims to be...

wow, that scares me, but I might have to go there for a selling point... I dunno...
nah, I don't think it would be the jealous boyfriend, but maybe an older brother or cousin and she later receives a warning to be careful of who she trusts...

Then there's the detail that when it comes to selling herself, she has a similiar attitude about that Julia Roberts did in "Pretty Woman"... she keeps emotions out of it and she does what she has to do to make that extra cash... which suggests that her relationship with the jealous boyfriend doesn't have a lot of emotions in it, but maybe overtime it changes...

The newcomer that she ultimately ends up with might change her mind about how she thinks about things in relationships...
I'm still fishing around for ideas for names, origin stories, logistics, clearly...

here's what I have as far as ideas for scenes per the songs from the album and then some...

1) Human- the opening number where the girls are introduced
2) Maneater- maybe a flashback to the previous leader's usual routine
3) Promiscious- the 1st time she and the newcomer meet, they duet and she flirts with him like its part of the act, but instead he ends up falling for her
5) Showtime- a slow scene either before or after curtains, getting ready to get on stage of leave... kind of a moment of reflection
6) No Hay Igual... ?
7) Te Busque- another duet between her and the newcomer... like that medley between Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor in "Moulin Rouge"... or like a duet between Tony & Maria in "West Side Story" (which I'll have to see again to check my references, lol)... might also be something that comes back at the very end just before the credits roll
8) Say It Right- her declaration of love/feelings for him
9) Do It- ?
12) All Good things come to an end- maybe her ending things with the newcomer, saying "who are we kidding, we can't do this, run away together, my life is here"... something like that...

"Sex Shooter" might be another number in there somewhere that helps set up the story with "Human" (I know the real name of the song is "Afraid", but I don't really care... the main hook "so afraid of what people might say, that's okay cuz we're only human")

"Alejandro" could be a farewell song she sings to the jealous boyfriend... though I'm not sure if he necessarily buys into her breaking things up with him...

whatever happens, there has to be a moment where she feels betrayed by the newcomer and has to give him 12)...
and at some point, not sure how in the world he's going to say this, the jealous boyfriend has to say to her "you really do love him, huh?" and tells her that she can go with him and he won't try to stop her

Ultimately, the two of them leave the country for brighter prospects where he'll take care of her so she doesn't need to go through that particular business trade again... giving her back her humanity as it was.

All I have so far with names...
her temporary namesake will be Talia and that may or may not change...
the jealous boyfriend may or may not be called Alejandro
and the newcomer, I'm thinking Paulo, but I'm not sure as of yet...

After I decide what country I'm in, I can start going through common names, all of which will be ethnically related. Research is going to be important here because I can't make this stuff up as I go. And naturally I'll keep my eyes and ears open for songs and maybe movies to help bring my vision closer and closer to becoming a reality.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Computer Blue [does not compute]

You'd have to be a die-hard Prince fan to get the reference. Ironically, that was the last chapter I started working on before this weekend.
Saw The Avengers and having seen all the Marvel films to this point, predominantly "Iron-Man" dozens of times, I thought it was well done. And as always, Mr. Downey was a pleasure. It's so cool in this franchise where you just know Tony Stark, don't really need to be schooled in the kind of person he is because it is what it is.
Flawed, but hey, all people are to a point.

Me included.
I'll be fair. When I'm PMSing, I sometimes write the craziest entries and sometimes the most depressing or the most angry. I got away from a really flaming entry I wanted to do Saturday amidst all this angst that's been going on with me, but I dodged the bullet in that I just didn't write it.

It's often the rule that you shouldn't do anything when you're angry because likely you're going to regret it since you're not in your right mind.

I'd been pretty much focusing on writing this intellecutal take on Prince's music, focusing so far on all the songs on the Purple Rain soundtrack. It's going to be the kind of thing that I think a lot of smart people will get it and people that don't want to think too much will just chuck it and say that it was rather pointless.
I kinda want to appeal to Prince's fanbase, but at the same time, I'd like for The Word to spread (that's the name of it, no connection to the Jehovah's Witnesses whatsoever except for the fact Prince is one) through word of mouth and hopefully Prince will get even more fans that will appreciate him, younger fans in particular and therefore he's respected as much as the really big names in music like The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Michael Jackson
I'm personally hoping that this will come out while Prince is still with us just to prove you don't need to go like Van Gough in order to get the props you richly deserve.

So anyway, that's that. I've been focusing on that to take time away from the Avengers issue. If I don't get too excited, I won't come in with excess expectations that won't get met, etc, etc. Plus when it comes to Mr. Downey, I've lost my head several times cuz he's just it for me.
Kinda the way Prince is with music, but with that medium, there're so many names I like to indulge in and it's something that can span over decades. I like to stay current, but also like to appeal to the past so I at least have some cultural indications.

I rode the high of The Avengers throughout yesterday and now the euphoria's kinda come and gone and I'm left with the same old issues.

I make the reference to that song title because sometimes I feel like a computer that everyone around me tries to program instructions into and I'm saying "this does not compute."
Maybe I picked the wrong song (Prince has another track called "Something in the water (does not compute)"... referring to his girlfriends leaving him or using him, thinking its something in the water than something he did)...

I'm not sure what it is with me. Sometimes I feel like all my life, I haven't had an inkling of the kind of person I am. I've heard a lot of don't's and can't's.
It might not come off that way when I'm writing, but my mind tends to twist things so they appear worse than they are. I come from a great house with a roof over head, access to just about everything a person needs to survive and I've got a great family.

The thing is, though, I feel like they've tried to mold me. Tried to tell me what I should be, what I should do. To a point, it makes sense that an education is important. I went out and got a diploma and had many an adventure along the way (mostly during my senior year, lol, but nonetheless). That got me my first position.
It might be a lot of character flaws and personality traits on my part, but I just couldn't cut it. I'd been lost in the mist ever since.

I know my greatest problem is my inability to relate to people. I'm not very social by nature. I can trace it all back to one experience and that's why making friends was so hard for me. I didn't know where I belonged or if I belonged anywhere. I was afraid to take chances and people telling me I can't do something like hang out with them.
That's part of the reason why high school was kinda miserable. Except for being in the companys of musicals and concert choir, academics was all I had. I didn't bother spending time with people because I really didn't have any friends. The only other excitement I got was when I was suffering through my guy crushes. Writing took me away from all that. At first it was fanfiction to write up a companion for myself while I was recuping from back surgery. Then I started getting all these ideas. For the most part, they took me away from the fact I didn't have anyone.

I didn't know until these past couple years just how much writing has been an important thing for me. I got told maybe a year into writing my fiction that I couldn't pursue writing professionally. Unless it was non-fiction, there was no future in it.

Writing's the only sense of identity that I have. Take that all away and what's left... I'm a movie junkie, music fan, a bit of a nerd and I'm a good student. That's part of why working at the lab started taking its toll on me because I felt like I was becoming a robot with the whole routine of it all. I had stopped writing, been unable to find anything really to write about.

All the while, I tried finding an agent for Jonas and I almost never heard back.

I feel rather restricted when I think about my future. Every single day, I heard words floating around me like job, ads, work, employment... I know why that is, but its not going to change anything. I'm just fed up with hearing that stuff, like as if the focus is always on me to do something with my life.

I have very little to really contribute to society aside from my intellectual property.
I'm not very social, I suck with crowds and I've got social anxiety like nobody's business.

I always think about fixing that... at first it was kinda like me beating myself up like "I need to see a shrink" but now it's kinda like "maybe I need some medication to make it easier for me to deal with people."
Just given the personality type I have, where when it comes to my favorite mediums, I have an addictive personality. In the back of my mind, I'm freaking that one day I'm going to get in such a bad way that I could overdose on Xanax or whatever I'm taking.

I'd never taken any behavioral modification medication ever and somehow I don't see it ending well.

Sometimes I wonder when I think about my character Jonas, how he has my social anxiety, except times 10... he has psychic abilities that flair up when he loses control... like I consider putting something in the storyline about tackling his anxiety issues, but it never goes anywhere pleasant. I don't want there to be prescription drugs involved in this. As if I'm afraid to push him too far in one direction, but it'd make a helluva lot more sense than... I dunno, he's put out of comission for the 3rd time over the period of 2 weeks... not to mention he gets thrown off horseback into a frozen pond and loses his hearing temporarily

I'll have to remember this, though. Just had a lightbulb moment...
Instead of that whole excessive scene... cuz there's this one scene that takes place a day or two after Nina sees what its like when Jonas loses control... she's a little distant from him. He then comes out and says exactly what's she's thinking and runs off. When he gets really upset, he uses his abilities to force people away from him by telekinesis. How about examining that closer and supposing that he puts up a barrier around himself that no one can pentrate or come anywhere near.
He does this to Nina, but she somehow talks him down and they reach an understanding.

I'd hate to diss Twilight in saying this because I personally love the series, the books especially... but this is what kinda will separate Nina from Bella... Bella kinda accepts Edward as a vampire and doesn't really question it, at least that's how it goes in the movie and most people don't bother to read the book...
there has to be a moment of doubt in Nina's mind or the story might not completely take.

Whatever chapter that is, I'll have to remember that. Glad I still have some ideas in my head.

I haven't been able to write my usual set of fiction or even work with Jonas in a long time because I just don't have the perservence in me. Writing about Prince is another thing where that feels like my one shot to really make it as a writer and non-fiction sells better.
The idea was to have a book about Prince in bookstores that people have access to... now with Barnes & Nobles possibly going under, that isn't going to happen. So I'm hoping e-books work just as well.

So I'd been kinda mad at myself a bit lately because I don't know where I'm going. Everyone's trying to give me suggestions of what I should do. Nothing makes sense to me from any angle.
The worst of it is the suggestion of taking a few non-credit courses, which I'll probably do anyway...
but it seems pointless to just do a bunch of random courses on the off-chance that there'll be a position open where I can use that.

I'm certainly not going to waste my time doing EVERYTHING just to give myself more of a shot. A degree in marine biology should have gotten me better than this... instead I got sucked back into the vacuum because my social skills hold me back.

The worst is that writing is the only thing I know I'm really good at and it's the one thing that everyone has told me I can't do. I've been still working on my writing for the past sevearl years to prove them wrong, but so far I've come up empty.

What I could possibly do... I mean, I'd written a few short stories since my last massive fictional undertaking. I'll keep my eye out for the next writer's digest contest... see if anything I'd write could qualify and if I have to, I'll chop off a few 1,000 words...
I'd written two stories with my protagonist Casey Carlton, who volunteered at the hospital throughout high school to be a source of moral support for patients, especially when they have nobody. She becomes very close to two individuals. One of which is visually based off American Idol contestant, Alexis Grace... Jolienne Carine was the most popular girl in school, but her popularity was apparently an illusion because when she contracted leukemia, nobody came to visit her. Well, she kinda unknowingly fell into popularity because she was so strikingly different compared to all the other girls.
Kinda goes to show how fickle the student body is (another example of this can be seen in the movie "Can't buy me love"... which I saw long after I wrote this story)

interestingly I wrote another story where my protagonist is the popular girl and she kinda realizes that she's at the center of attention but doesn't know anybody who's talking to her... like she kinda wakes up and realizes the illusion is in place... it's a rather obscure piece of work, especiallly considering she's seeing the ghost of her boyfriend who died in a terrible car crash and he came back to the world of the living to settle this ancient curse going around a penacle of Indian burial grounds...
You'd have to read it to kinda understand it, but it wasn't one of my more impressive works. The majority was thrown together at the last minute cuz I didn't think I had the energy to keep it going for much longer.

I'd have to make a few changes here and there... but I wrote a 2nd story with Casey Carlton... where she's in a bit of a pickle, kinda like I am... she's in school, working towards a medical degree of some kind, but she recently had a bad time interning at an emergecy room for a summer... scared her pretty bad. So to get her back on the horse, her conseulor suggests she looks into the psychological side of medicene and sees this one patient at a rehabilitation clinic... I'll have to change his name, but aside from that, you couldn't tell unless you knew me that he was inspired by Julian from "Less than Zero"...
the story turned out amazingly, was a lot of fun to write, despite how morbid his sense of humor...

I'll have to see the word limits I have to work with, but I think that I can manage to get at least one of these stories enrolled in a contest to see where things go.

I have a lot of work to do with Jonas still... I haven't touched chapter 4 for a little more than a month... and the vibe was kinda wrong... but I'm thinking that I can work on it little by little, chapter by chapter... get some opinions on the writer's digest forums and hopefully everyone can help me hone my query letter just to see if anyone will get me another shot.

It's a rather unique story, I think, so it'll be hit & miss. I'm hoping, even praying, that one day, the perfect person will come across it, love what they read and will go thru hell & high water for me so it can get published.

It's a bit of a toss-up because it's the following things:
  • YA
  • romantasy (fantasy-romance)
  • high school aged characters
  • 3rd person POV
  • includes:
  •     reincarnation
  •     angels
  •     evil sorcerors
  •     magic
  •     physical manifestions of nature's elements
  •     pegasuses
  •     dragons
  •     PSI/ESP
not to mention the fact that Jonas is a rather inactive protagonist, at least starting out... that's kinda the reason why the majority of the story is from Nina's perspective (without it being in first person). It only starts showing things from just his view when he starts getting a grasp of who he is, rather who he was in his past life.

The thing is I kinda know what I want and where I want to be... the downside is that it's an uphill battle... not to mention I've eliminated every other possibility besides this... it also won't get me health insurance coverage, but hopefully in a couple months when I turn 26, the healthcare law will get overturned so I don't have to have insurance.

Narrow-minded, yes.
A fool's errand, absolutely.

This goal I've got in mind... whether it boils down to Jonas or my insane Prince project... my success boils down to how other people perceive my work. The fact that part is out of my hands unnerves me a bit. But hey, I'd written several works of fiction from start to finish... been trying to get one ready for publishing for about 8 years... not to mention the massive volume my work on Prince will be...

not quite 1,000 pages... but it will easily hit 25-30 pages just discussing Purple Rain... between all the albums he's done throughout his career, it could easily hit 300-400 pages... but I want my goal to be something like 500 pages.

The voice in my head is more or less telling me to look through Jonas again, maybe I'll be inspired to add more stuff and hopefully, things will get back on track.
I doubt I'll be ready to go back to my Prince project for a little while, but its good to have at least a little bit of a break.