Monday, May 7, 2012

Computer Blue [does not compute]

You'd have to be a die-hard Prince fan to get the reference. Ironically, that was the last chapter I started working on before this weekend.
Saw The Avengers and having seen all the Marvel films to this point, predominantly "Iron-Man" dozens of times, I thought it was well done. And as always, Mr. Downey was a pleasure. It's so cool in this franchise where you just know Tony Stark, don't really need to be schooled in the kind of person he is because it is what it is.
Flawed, but hey, all people are to a point.

Me included.
I'll be fair. When I'm PMSing, I sometimes write the craziest entries and sometimes the most depressing or the most angry. I got away from a really flaming entry I wanted to do Saturday amidst all this angst that's been going on with me, but I dodged the bullet in that I just didn't write it.

It's often the rule that you shouldn't do anything when you're angry because likely you're going to regret it since you're not in your right mind.

I'd been pretty much focusing on writing this intellecutal take on Prince's music, focusing so far on all the songs on the Purple Rain soundtrack. It's going to be the kind of thing that I think a lot of smart people will get it and people that don't want to think too much will just chuck it and say that it was rather pointless.
I kinda want to appeal to Prince's fanbase, but at the same time, I'd like for The Word to spread (that's the name of it, no connection to the Jehovah's Witnesses whatsoever except for the fact Prince is one) through word of mouth and hopefully Prince will get even more fans that will appreciate him, younger fans in particular and therefore he's respected as much as the really big names in music like The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Michael Jackson
I'm personally hoping that this will come out while Prince is still with us just to prove you don't need to go like Van Gough in order to get the props you richly deserve.

So anyway, that's that. I've been focusing on that to take time away from the Avengers issue. If I don't get too excited, I won't come in with excess expectations that won't get met, etc, etc. Plus when it comes to Mr. Downey, I've lost my head several times cuz he's just it for me.
Kinda the way Prince is with music, but with that medium, there're so many names I like to indulge in and it's something that can span over decades. I like to stay current, but also like to appeal to the past so I at least have some cultural indications.

I rode the high of The Avengers throughout yesterday and now the euphoria's kinda come and gone and I'm left with the same old issues.

I make the reference to that song title because sometimes I feel like a computer that everyone around me tries to program instructions into and I'm saying "this does not compute."
Maybe I picked the wrong song (Prince has another track called "Something in the water (does not compute)"... referring to his girlfriends leaving him or using him, thinking its something in the water than something he did)...

I'm not sure what it is with me. Sometimes I feel like all my life, I haven't had an inkling of the kind of person I am. I've heard a lot of don't's and can't's.
It might not come off that way when I'm writing, but my mind tends to twist things so they appear worse than they are. I come from a great house with a roof over head, access to just about everything a person needs to survive and I've got a great family.

The thing is, though, I feel like they've tried to mold me. Tried to tell me what I should be, what I should do. To a point, it makes sense that an education is important. I went out and got a diploma and had many an adventure along the way (mostly during my senior year, lol, but nonetheless). That got me my first position.
It might be a lot of character flaws and personality traits on my part, but I just couldn't cut it. I'd been lost in the mist ever since.

I know my greatest problem is my inability to relate to people. I'm not very social by nature. I can trace it all back to one experience and that's why making friends was so hard for me. I didn't know where I belonged or if I belonged anywhere. I was afraid to take chances and people telling me I can't do something like hang out with them.
That's part of the reason why high school was kinda miserable. Except for being in the companys of musicals and concert choir, academics was all I had. I didn't bother spending time with people because I really didn't have any friends. The only other excitement I got was when I was suffering through my guy crushes. Writing took me away from all that. At first it was fanfiction to write up a companion for myself while I was recuping from back surgery. Then I started getting all these ideas. For the most part, they took me away from the fact I didn't have anyone.

I didn't know until these past couple years just how much writing has been an important thing for me. I got told maybe a year into writing my fiction that I couldn't pursue writing professionally. Unless it was non-fiction, there was no future in it.

Writing's the only sense of identity that I have. Take that all away and what's left... I'm a movie junkie, music fan, a bit of a nerd and I'm a good student. That's part of why working at the lab started taking its toll on me because I felt like I was becoming a robot with the whole routine of it all. I had stopped writing, been unable to find anything really to write about.

All the while, I tried finding an agent for Jonas and I almost never heard back.

I feel rather restricted when I think about my future. Every single day, I heard words floating around me like job, ads, work, employment... I know why that is, but its not going to change anything. I'm just fed up with hearing that stuff, like as if the focus is always on me to do something with my life.

I have very little to really contribute to society aside from my intellectual property.
I'm not very social, I suck with crowds and I've got social anxiety like nobody's business.

I always think about fixing that... at first it was kinda like me beating myself up like "I need to see a shrink" but now it's kinda like "maybe I need some medication to make it easier for me to deal with people."
Just given the personality type I have, where when it comes to my favorite mediums, I have an addictive personality. In the back of my mind, I'm freaking that one day I'm going to get in such a bad way that I could overdose on Xanax or whatever I'm taking.

I'd never taken any behavioral modification medication ever and somehow I don't see it ending well.

Sometimes I wonder when I think about my character Jonas, how he has my social anxiety, except times 10... he has psychic abilities that flair up when he loses control... like I consider putting something in the storyline about tackling his anxiety issues, but it never goes anywhere pleasant. I don't want there to be prescription drugs involved in this. As if I'm afraid to push him too far in one direction, but it'd make a helluva lot more sense than... I dunno, he's put out of comission for the 3rd time over the period of 2 weeks... not to mention he gets thrown off horseback into a frozen pond and loses his hearing temporarily

I'll have to remember this, though. Just had a lightbulb moment...
Instead of that whole excessive scene... cuz there's this one scene that takes place a day or two after Nina sees what its like when Jonas loses control... she's a little distant from him. He then comes out and says exactly what's she's thinking and runs off. When he gets really upset, he uses his abilities to force people away from him by telekinesis. How about examining that closer and supposing that he puts up a barrier around himself that no one can pentrate or come anywhere near.
He does this to Nina, but she somehow talks him down and they reach an understanding.

I'd hate to diss Twilight in saying this because I personally love the series, the books especially... but this is what kinda will separate Nina from Bella... Bella kinda accepts Edward as a vampire and doesn't really question it, at least that's how it goes in the movie and most people don't bother to read the book...
there has to be a moment of doubt in Nina's mind or the story might not completely take.

Whatever chapter that is, I'll have to remember that. Glad I still have some ideas in my head.

I haven't been able to write my usual set of fiction or even work with Jonas in a long time because I just don't have the perservence in me. Writing about Prince is another thing where that feels like my one shot to really make it as a writer and non-fiction sells better.
The idea was to have a book about Prince in bookstores that people have access to... now with Barnes & Nobles possibly going under, that isn't going to happen. So I'm hoping e-books work just as well.

So I'd been kinda mad at myself a bit lately because I don't know where I'm going. Everyone's trying to give me suggestions of what I should do. Nothing makes sense to me from any angle.
The worst of it is the suggestion of taking a few non-credit courses, which I'll probably do anyway...
but it seems pointless to just do a bunch of random courses on the off-chance that there'll be a position open where I can use that.

I'm certainly not going to waste my time doing EVERYTHING just to give myself more of a shot. A degree in marine biology should have gotten me better than this... instead I got sucked back into the vacuum because my social skills hold me back.

The worst is that writing is the only thing I know I'm really good at and it's the one thing that everyone has told me I can't do. I've been still working on my writing for the past sevearl years to prove them wrong, but so far I've come up empty.

What I could possibly do... I mean, I'd written a few short stories since my last massive fictional undertaking. I'll keep my eye out for the next writer's digest contest... see if anything I'd write could qualify and if I have to, I'll chop off a few 1,000 words...
I'd written two stories with my protagonist Casey Carlton, who volunteered at the hospital throughout high school to be a source of moral support for patients, especially when they have nobody. She becomes very close to two individuals. One of which is visually based off American Idol contestant, Alexis Grace... Jolienne Carine was the most popular girl in school, but her popularity was apparently an illusion because when she contracted leukemia, nobody came to visit her. Well, she kinda unknowingly fell into popularity because she was so strikingly different compared to all the other girls.
Kinda goes to show how fickle the student body is (another example of this can be seen in the movie "Can't buy me love"... which I saw long after I wrote this story)

interestingly I wrote another story where my protagonist is the popular girl and she kinda realizes that she's at the center of attention but doesn't know anybody who's talking to her... like she kinda wakes up and realizes the illusion is in place... it's a rather obscure piece of work, especiallly considering she's seeing the ghost of her boyfriend who died in a terrible car crash and he came back to the world of the living to settle this ancient curse going around a penacle of Indian burial grounds...
You'd have to read it to kinda understand it, but it wasn't one of my more impressive works. The majority was thrown together at the last minute cuz I didn't think I had the energy to keep it going for much longer.

I'd have to make a few changes here and there... but I wrote a 2nd story with Casey Carlton... where she's in a bit of a pickle, kinda like I am... she's in school, working towards a medical degree of some kind, but she recently had a bad time interning at an emergecy room for a summer... scared her pretty bad. So to get her back on the horse, her conseulor suggests she looks into the psychological side of medicene and sees this one patient at a rehabilitation clinic... I'll have to change his name, but aside from that, you couldn't tell unless you knew me that he was inspired by Julian from "Less than Zero"...
the story turned out amazingly, was a lot of fun to write, despite how morbid his sense of humor...

I'll have to see the word limits I have to work with, but I think that I can manage to get at least one of these stories enrolled in a contest to see where things go.

I have a lot of work to do with Jonas still... I haven't touched chapter 4 for a little more than a month... and the vibe was kinda wrong... but I'm thinking that I can work on it little by little, chapter by chapter... get some opinions on the writer's digest forums and hopefully everyone can help me hone my query letter just to see if anyone will get me another shot.

It's a rather unique story, I think, so it'll be hit & miss. I'm hoping, even praying, that one day, the perfect person will come across it, love what they read and will go thru hell & high water for me so it can get published.

It's a bit of a toss-up because it's the following things:
  • YA
  • romantasy (fantasy-romance)
  • high school aged characters
  • 3rd person POV
  • includes:
  •     reincarnation
  •     angels
  •     evil sorcerors
  •     magic
  •     physical manifestions of nature's elements
  •     pegasuses
  •     dragons
  •     PSI/ESP
not to mention the fact that Jonas is a rather inactive protagonist, at least starting out... that's kinda the reason why the majority of the story is from Nina's perspective (without it being in first person). It only starts showing things from just his view when he starts getting a grasp of who he is, rather who he was in his past life.

The thing is I kinda know what I want and where I want to be... the downside is that it's an uphill battle... not to mention I've eliminated every other possibility besides this... it also won't get me health insurance coverage, but hopefully in a couple months when I turn 26, the healthcare law will get overturned so I don't have to have insurance.

Narrow-minded, yes.
A fool's errand, absolutely.

This goal I've got in mind... whether it boils down to Jonas or my insane Prince project... my success boils down to how other people perceive my work. The fact that part is out of my hands unnerves me a bit. But hey, I'd written several works of fiction from start to finish... been trying to get one ready for publishing for about 8 years... not to mention the massive volume my work on Prince will be...

not quite 1,000 pages... but it will easily hit 25-30 pages just discussing Purple Rain... between all the albums he's done throughout his career, it could easily hit 300-400 pages... but I want my goal to be something like 500 pages.

The voice in my head is more or less telling me to look through Jonas again, maybe I'll be inspired to add more stuff and hopefully, things will get back on track.
I doubt I'll be ready to go back to my Prince project for a little while, but its good to have at least a little bit of a break.

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