I had a moment the other night while watching my animé hour on Adult Swim...
while watching Bleach... this one enemy, Ichigo finally seemed to have defeated... someone who's been kind of a pain to deal with because he is just that strong... but even I have to admit he was a cool villian (I'd post his name, but I don't know if I can spell it, lol)
it was going onto a commerical break and this enemy makes his presence known once again and I'm thinking "WTF, I thought he was dead... "
the idea popped into about an seemingly invincible foe... which a lot of animé tend to have...
something came into my head and started writing about... like a prologue of sorts... the protagonist was fighting the antagonist, I gather, to exact revenge for something he did... she's been beaten badly and struggles not to let this opportunity go. She tries to grab onto his arm and asks why he's still standing, she can't let this go, she must defeat him...
even to her last breath, she tries to keep going, but can't...
then I started writing something that happens a bit afterwards... another character asking about her... her injuries are taking a long time to heal, she's still hungry for revenge and she needed to be sedated because it threatens her recovery...
other than that, I don't have a lot so far... I'm thinking along the lines of an alternate world... something out of animé... I see her as a warrior, a very strong warrior... really skilled with a sword... I know nothing about the villian except that he either kidnapped or killed someone important to her, whether its a family member or someone she cared about... I'd come off watching Shanghai Noon for the first time earlier, so I was thinking that maybe she was meant to protect a princess or something, but failed in her duties...
I'll leave the idea alone for a while to see if anything come out of it. Because I had done so in the past and regretted it, its not going anywhere and I refuse to throw away any more ideas... I've had whole stories I've discarded and now I wish I hadn't just so I can look back and see if I want to change anything
there isn't much to the idea yet... so I can't necessarily say I don't know if I want to share it with anymore...
as for the other two, I'd been either brainstorming or writing bits and pieces for but haven't done anything really serious with them yet
"Te Busque" I've got my characters mostly mapped out... I have my 3rd act oultined... I just need to figure how the other pieces are going to come together..
I'm hesitant to show that one off or even discuss it because its hot subject matter.. the girls in it aren't just dancers, but on some nights at their place of business, they dance and auction themselves off to the highest bidder for a night... prostitution... and the main character came unpleasant circumstances that shaped her personality... her stepfather told her how special she was and he brainwashed her into believing their relationship was normal... they slept together... then when he dies, she finds out that all of the money her family has was gambled away so he literally screwed her out of a livelihood, out of money...
and to help clear a debt he accumulated, she offers her body and services to the people he owed money to... and she stays with it because its all she knows how to do, her stepfather kinda spoiled her for anything else she could possibly do... like she doesn't have the proper education to pursue a higher education... I'm kinda nervous about letting my family see that one no matter what shape it comes in because I'm writing about girls selling their bodies to make a living... like what does that say about me?
Then there's this other story I kinda wrote out of frustration from where I was... I felt like I was losing myself to my old workplace... and my saviours ended up being vampires... they still drink blood and all that, they're not quite like the Cullens, but they're tamer than the horror movie vampires...
then it became something of an escape and my frustration about things continues to go into it... and I'm extremely nervous to show that to my family because of things I've said about myself... I don't like to really show my vulnerabilities all that much, I'm more liable to clam up than fully disclose stuff like that.
I think every now and then that I need to see a therapist or see someone about my on & off depression... the lows aren't so low that I cut myself or inflict any sort of self-harm... but there are moments where I really wish I wasn't here... the confusion of my existence is too painful to bear sometimes... something usually comes around to pick me back up again, but its temporary relief...
I mean, the worst is that if I put that kind of stuff out there, there's no taking it back... no saying "I'm fine, that was just a moment of weakness" cuz I've had a few moments that I ulitmately keep to myself...
and I'm also thinking that if I say I want to see a therapist, they're going to give me a flat out no because I'd be making excuses... or if I'd look bad on my record... I dunno... but they'd probably say I don't need that kind of help and its something I need to push through on my own...
I don't want to have to change too much of myself to fit in... I've sworn off the idea of dieting because I don't want society to dictate my waist line... the whole "thin is in" thing...
I am a little monster, so I believe Gaga's "Born this Way" mantra to be true... that I should love myself for the way I am and not change to make other people like me...
I know there's a reason why I'm not considered beautiful by society... why I wasn't born blonde with blue eyes... I've considered dying my hair blonde, but sometimes I don't even know if I'd be up for that drastic a change...
I also know there's a reason why I'm ridiculously shy and insecure... why I'm not an eloquent speaker... that's something that has doomed a couple interviews, I'm sure... I'm a great typer and communicate well that way to make up for where I lack...
so how come I can't make a career out of that... why do I have to have this outgoing personality to get places in life...
my personality is meant to carry over because I don't have the looks that draw people in right away... but I can't bring that across because of the reasons I posted above...
would it be totally ironic and contradictory if I went to a therapist so I could be better with speaking to people... meddling with that... and I believe that that was the product of experiences I had when I was younger... I don't speak up because when I did, I got backlash for it... saying the wrong thing or the people around me were just rude... my default is to keep quiet so I don't offend anyone
although silence can be offensive to some people too... its taken as snobbyness
I'd written a few scenes down for my vampire story... why these two vamps are taking such an interest in my character, I don't know... supposedly the depression is so bad that it could attract other vampires so they keep an eye on me to preserve myself... again, why do they care? I have no idea...
but I've theorized a few reasons why I was fired from my place of work and put that into the story... my lack of communication finally caught up for me... and I really have nothing to go into interviews with... the economy sucks and I was fired because I have trouble communicating with people... its an issue that goes way back and I'm too set in my habits to change them...
it just makes me feel better sometimes to take frustration on certain people that I believe were why I was let go in the first place... they didn't want to deal with my anti-society tendancies...
I even weaved this conspiracy and made that into the big climax of the story...
but I haven't fully figured out the reasons why it came to conspiracy...
I was paranoid by certain things, making up theories and at the end of it all, it turned out to be true... of course I'm taking poetic license with this...
I want to put some of my experiences in the workplace in the story... I'd already written about the day I was let go... vamps included... I wrote a few scenes in one of my notebooks... one takes place a year after that day... I'd been everywhere I could possibly go locally and never got an interview... I'm frustrated and thinking that the "wrongdoers" are deliberately going out of their way to make sure I'm not hired anywhere else...
yeah, that makes as much sense as that SNL sketch the other week... where Kenan Thompson went to all these places, got hired, Bain Capital bought them just so he'd get laid off... although that was kinda stupid, especially when it came down to, they bought that one Orange Julius he worked at so they can lay him off... and a shoe-shine stand, they sent to China, to lay him off...
what's a good story without a little conspiracy thrown in there?
but I can't really show that to my former employers and co-workers... they'd know who they are and I'd been berated for the things I said
it shows my family that I'm manically depressed so I can't really show them either... but its something I've gone back to a couple times, I write something down when I'm frustrated and maybe one day I'll have enough to write a fully realized story... putting all these scenes together into one thing, kinda how they splice together a movie from scenes they shot at different times, not necessarily in chronological order
The question is where my attention is gonna be... and I still have another chapter in another project to work through
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