Page-turners, plagarism and future writing plans

it'll be my last entry for at least a week... I'd been kinda regular here, but got other plans taking time away... which involves not having a regular Internet connection.

No matter how much time has passed or how good/bad the product is, plagiarism SUCKS...
I was alerted to the fact someone from fictionpress took one of my stories and published it as an eBook on Amazon...

I had since been through a few rewrites so it isn't quite the same story anymore... okay, it IS... but the conversations are slightly different and some new details were added...

I figured it'd be something that polarized people because its an earlier draft than what I spent the past 2 years working on/off with... plus it was an attempt to take fanfiction to my own idea... let's say one person saw right through that on fictionpress...

two people said it was either childish, the writing was horrible or they deleted it cuz they gave up after 25 pages...

Geesh :roll:
I mean, people like Jane Austen and Ernest Hemingway get away with a lot of exposition and their stuff are classics... why should it be any different for an up & comer? Why is it frowned upon?

Agents want to be HOOKED within a sentence or two... if not that, they want the ends of chapters to make you want to keep reading... like you just HAVE to read more to see what happens... I totally commend Suzanne Collins for doing that in The Hunger Games... I've heard about this thing about ending chapters where the readers are thirsty for me... therefore, you have a page-turner you can't put down

I mean, that was really amazing that she did that... nobody else I've read into recently was like that... the characters did it for me...
and as much as a Twi-hard as I am, I admit that I wasn't hooked on Twilight until Edward showed up... the writing wasn't tantalizing enough, at least not yet... I became equally as fascinated by him as not only Bella, but Stephenie Meyer, obviously...
the first Harry Potter book... my mom had tried to talk me into the series for years... I forgot one detail... that Harry's parents were killed... I will attest, forevermore, that I was hooked on the Harry Potter series since page 12-13... that was when I read that they were killed and I was BALLING my eyes out...

Suzanne Collins I think is the only person that I haven't heard had struggles with publication...
it took J.K. Rowling YEARS... it took Stephenie Meyer maybe a year or two, thanks in part to Writer's Market... I'd take that route if I felt like giving up my credit card number (and explaining it to my folks who are still footing the bill), and as of now, I had anything good enough to publish... I'm in all kinds of directions with all my work...

Kathryn Stockett ("The Help") was the most inspirational in that she got 40 rejections before her book was published... to be honest, I'm not sure if I'd even been rejected 10 times yet... but it feels like an eternity whenever I get something back

I write pretty lengthy before I get to my bloody point... its my style and nobody quite appreciates that... unless we're friends or family...
and I think almost everything I'd written has a prologue attached... like a lengthy prologue that takes up more than a page....
With Jonas, my latest draft of the prologue took me to maybe 3 pages... it might be more than 3,000 words so I don't know if it'd be within range to submit to a short story contest...

anyway... the other two who read my stolen story loved it... but the 50% that didn't like it wasn't enough for me to throw in the towel and quote "Let her have this one"...

:sigh:
If I ever go back and fully re-edit, you know, I don't want to have to deal with copyright suits when its my own work in the first place
And I think I have another copy hanging around somewhere... I'd deleted half of my work on fictonpress to limit the damage, but I'll keep it up there until I'm sure this has died down...
what has me a little nervous is that they'd try this again and I wouldn't have the evidence anymore... at least not online with a date attached to it

I've got maybe an hour- 90 minutes to kill before shutting down my PC...
I haven't written for Cassandra since Thursday... when I was writing a little everyday... nothing seems to be occurring me looking at what I have so far...

I had a slew of dreams last night all sorta connected...
the first part was that we were watched "Spirited Away"... which will likely become one of my favorite movies of all time (meaning it'll be near the top of my fav movies list on my future movie blog)... with my grandma and we got as far as Chihiro's parents turning into pigs (literally, this is Miyazaki after all, all kinds of crap happens)...

A few elements came together regarding Jonas and that movie was the final piece. After watching it, I launched into my prologue for Jonas...
certain characters just say with you and I was believing that... you know... at the end of the movie, Chihiro and Haku go their separate ways... and they seem to have that long-lasting life-long friendship thing going for them... supposing she moves into her new house and a version of him lives nearby and they rekindle their friendship...

in the very back of my mind, that was probably my intention with the story... because he really was a special character, I felt... full of surprises, obviously...

both of them were in the dream... but then another thought came to mind... from the fact we'd been rewatching Card Captors on YouTube... and either I or someone say something about the "River" card... and it has to do with Haku... for reasons I won't quite give away... even though my audience (however small it is, a couple people) have seen the movie...

then it came a part in the dream where things changed over from one train of thought to another... and whatever character I was embodies was sick with a fever... like a burning up type of fever... and deep down, I felt touched by the other person's concern...

after that, it got even stranger, off-the-grid as it were... I arrive at a table and supposedly someone sitting next to Arthur... not quite King Arthur, but the version from "Merlin"... same actor... the guy sitting next to him had a carrot to his throat, like threatening his life... I defend him and Arthur brushes it off... like they were playing around or something...
I don't let it go cuz even though its not a weapon, it looked like a threat to me...

Arthur is very condensing to Merlin, both of which are in their early 20's... so its a different version of the Arthurian tales (its the Syfy series)...

I don't remember the logistics of some of these things, but its the most vivid dream I've had in a while where I actually remember it when I wake up...
lately its been the case that its vivid when I'm sleeping but when I'm awake, it goes :poof: so there's a remenant left behind that I can't take anything from

 I don't think I'd ever been so lucky where my dreams influence an entire story... at least nothing I'd put in the path of publication... ok, only Jonas has been on the path..
but I'd written half a dozen stories that I'd like to edit until they're set to be considered... I'd just like him to be first cuz he's the first original story I'd written

hmm... I'd considered the idea of bringing dragons into Cassandra's "realm"... which I'll call it for the moment... I doubt its anything that exists in this world or even this planet... it'll be a fictional place like Camelot (just to give an example) but it has Asian tinges to it... cuz in part, it'll be influenced by the samurai era... Feudal Japan... and part of it comes from those types of fighting movies
not quite like Crouching Tiger, though... just saw that the other day

hmm.... no wonder it was thrown in with The Matrix with the coming of a new era of fight scenes in movies... same choreographer...
and I figured as much that it was dubbed... the lip flaps didn't completely fit with certain characters and the voices changed in some scenes... therefore it wasnt consistent... I think I would have liked it a lot better in its original format... then I could have said it was my first ever foreign film...

Miyazaki doesn't count because I'd never seen his films in their original form. I watched "Spirited Away" in Japanese for 10 minutes but when Haku came in, I didnt like his Japanese voice so I stopped...
sorry guys, I'd just become too accustomed to/fond of Jason Marsden's voiceover work to substitute if for anything else

even part of my college animé club, I never saw any films in Japanese... I've seen animé in Japanese, entire series, but not movies... not that I remember anyway...

Cassandra will be a toss-up between the girl in "Crouching Tiger" and Katniss from The Hunger Games... and some of Rukia from Bleach

she won't be nearly as hypersensitive to "Ren" as Rukia is to Renji... but she's hesitant to accept his help...
me thinks because she had a hard life that turned her cold and she's spent her life focused on becoming stronger than the girl she used to be... the girl that used to call Ren her best friend...
after her appointment to the princess's personal guard, their relationship changed and she became all business

for all I know, the enemy of the piece, she might have found out that he's the one that killed someone close to her and because she wasnt strong enough to protect them, she wanted to change that so she wouldnt lose anyone else

her biggest flaw might be that she's so wound up about the strength and protection that she doesn't relax... Ren might say to her on multiple occasions that she needs to enjoy the time she has with other people or she'll have more to regret with their loss than the loss itself.
or maybe this comment will come at a crucial moment in the story

I've played around with the idea of using magic... maybe the thing that gives him the edge in this confrontation... which there aren't a lot of details about in the prologue, I want it to be limited to a few sentences... or it could just be a preface...
she thought she had him, but he had some sort of magic up his sleeve that either preserved his life or damaged hers to the state its in now

if I go that route, in which she needs magic to defeat him... there's also the possibility of dragons... cuz they go hand in hand with magic...

I wouldn't say magic is a forbidden discipline... like it is in "Merlin"... I don't even remember if Arthur found out whether Merlin is a wizard or not... but supposedly it was banned by his father and because it failed to save his father's life, he might not welcome it...

I think Cassandra spurns magic for a number of reasons... perhaps in her mind, magic is cheating... her skill lies in her physicality, agility and skills with her sword(s)... so she has refused to learn magic for years... but figures it might be necessary to defeat this enemy...
and there might be different kinds of magic (still kinda gunning for the Avatar version where it lies in a number of elements... although I wouldn't mind calling it "the trinity of elements" it sounds so official... fire, wind & water... subject to change... her ambition is so strong that fire probably comes to her the most easily)...

Ren might already be skilled in one of these, but he'd kept it secret from her cuz he knows how she feels about it

I'm not sure if I'll put too much between where I left off and the next scene I "shoot"... inner monologue and stuff... but I doubt there can be inner monologue if she's in long-term sedation (under the influence of Ren's Nightshade... something he procured from his uncle who runs an apothocrary shop)... unless its like a flashback or something that involves her and the princess...

but I see Ren being led into another scene where he either finds her meditating under a waterfall or doing Tai-Chi (of which I know nothing about, but it feels right, lol)

Project "Warrior"- the story so far

I don't know how far I'll be able to take this, but I'm intrigued enough to post on this blog that's been otherwise DEAD for a great while...
so why not... it's at least something...

I have a couple names and I have a few circumstances already in place.

btw, the temporary title I'll give to this project is "Warrior"...
although my protagonist is really more of a swordman/samurai type...

I had something in mind that jumped to mind the first night as far as a title goes... I'd lost it, but it was either The or A "Warrior's"... and there was a third word I can't remember anymore.

The prologue divulged details... the last few seconds of an important duel. At least it was to my star. This invincible enemy she swore revenge on came up victorious and she's in disbelief. She may or may not have had him... he might have tricked her into believing that she had the upperhand when, in fact, he's 10 or 50x stronger than her.

All of the dialogue came from her. A desperation was in the narrative.
I'm sure the whole story will be from her POV, although there will be parts in the 3rd person. I'm not locking too many things in just yet.

I've written a couple sentences every day, which is good. That'll keep this going. As long as I still have questions that I have answers to, I think I'll be okay for a little while.

(Last night, I typed up a couple other scenes in my "vamp" story... just so I have them there so I can work on them later... its strange, the more I read/write about my previous workplace, the more I wonder if that was even real... it'd become so trival to me... but then again, I twisted the whole situation around in my mind in an effort to make me feel better... and I think it has in a way, sorta sick & twisted, but it has helped)
and it REALLY annoys the hell outta me, I cannot tell you... when Im doing an entry on any blog and my PC just freezes and does a few cycles... meanwhile, I can't add anything to what I'm working on... I've lost a few ideas that way... creative minds like me really hate that...

for the most part, I'm not going to map too much out. At least I won't do that on the same page as the actual story... otherwise, I start doing a lot of explaining and people, including myself, would forget what the characters were even doing on about in the story...
you know its bad when you do the same "stream of consciousness" thing you do while blogging in the stories...

and this is getting REALLY frustrating... I can't wait 10 minutes between paragraphs like this or I won't get anything done... ahhh!!
I swear if this computer wasn't so important to what little I have going for me, I'd thrown it against the wall by now...

I'm gonna use this venue for my movie blog, but apparently the trade-off is gonna be... I'll have it automatically saved every paragraph... which apparently takes FOREVER ... but at least its on record... meanwhile ive had far too many times... and this is happening over a 5 minute period, mind you, between all kinds of PC problems and what not... my Xanga blog, I've written entire entries... press enter and an error message comes up that says that I haven't written a new entry... like WTF... and I've lost entire entries... between that and losing my Internet signal...

what I'll probably do is type up on Word... and copy/paste every couple paragraphs, it'll auto-save and I'll have that going... its a lot faster than this...

now I forgot what I was saying...

I'm trying to label some bits of inspiration... if there is going to be any supernatural elements in this and part of me believes there will be... the model that comes to mind is the animé model with the characters looking the way they do and such... its also the way I've learned to sketch, so I'll be working from that angle.

After writing my prologue, I wrote a few bits of dialogue. I'd focused on that more than working on putting a whole scene together. I'll add what comes to mind as it does, but not worry about the details for a while

between two characters, I figure that this takes place at an infirmary tent or something of that nature... this doesn't take place in 21st century civilization, although I haven't nailed down where its set at...

one character is asking about her condition and the other gave details that kinda define the kind of person she is... the not-giving-up type... she's been aggravating her injuries, preventing them from healing because she's still angry about being defeated and almost killed by this invincible foe... who I will probably call I.F. for the moment just because invincible is such a long word to type... that might lead me to a name, who knows...

I wrote a couple bits of dialogue between this doctor or whoever is looking after her... and who I believe is an old friend of hers, someone she grew up with

yesterday I found a name...
usually I don't put a whole lot of thoughts into my names... like I'll pick whatever jumps to mind or feels right and I'll run with it... Jonas was kinda obvious after a while... I wanted something that at least sounded Biblical, therefore I have the -eriah suffix... he could have been an Isaiah for all I know... but the name was inspired from The Giver... the character Jonas with the pale eyes... and I also had my high school crush David with the pale blue eyes that I was inspired to put into my story when it transpired into the 20th/21st century

I didn't think I'd put much thought into the names to start out, but "Cassandra" just sounded right for her. Pronounciation: Ca-san-dra... not Ca-sawn-dra... Cassandara... there's something kinda regal about it, but its also something tough...
the image that came to mind was something out of Avatar... the last airbender, not James Cameron's movie... thats kinda annoying that Avatar came out and it was something different from the animé... therefore, they couldn't freaking using Avatar in their title...

now "the last airbender" has become a joke... a lot of people have called it one of the worst movies ever made... me, I don't really think it was THAT bad... it differed from the animé considerably... the most annoying error was the misprounciation of the protagonist...

his name is Aang... but in the Shyamalan film, it was pronounced Ung... eww.... everytime I heard it, I wanted to scream at the big screen that they're saying it WRONG...

Katara wasn't nearly as strong a character in this movie and Sokka was meant to be the comic relief, the comedian... although I thought Jackson Rathbone's performance was great... nice to see Jasper Cullen in a somewhat lighter role... he was the stronger of the siblings, which didn't echo the animé at all

let's see... and someone figured it would be a GREAT idea to have different looking people as the different benders... nationalities... like Aang was Asian, obviously... I don't know what Katara and Sokka were supposed to be... I don't remember much about the earth benders... but the fire benders were all Indian...

which I felt was ridiculous...
Zuko isn't Indian! Dev Petal didn't look anything like the character in the animé...

so as an adaptation of the series, the Shyamalan version was a failure because none of the characters were nailed...

but (see, there's my rambling again) with my warrior, Cassandra... I was trying out a few names from the series... what I immediately thought of... because of the color red, the scarlet in her uniform... I thought about Zuko's sister Azula... who is one of the series' villians... daughter of the Fire Lord and all that...
I'm trying to think, though, I'm hesistant to google with my PC like this... Zuko had a girlfriend or a love interest... and I'm thinking her name might have been Cassandra... but I'll have to look it up... cuz this will drive me NUTS

ok, I'm good... the love interest's name was Mai...
and maybe part of me is thinking about the sequel Avatar series that came out a year ago... as far as how Cassandra is dressed and such

and apparently... according to the little I read about the "Sonja" sequel series... Aang and Katara end up together cuz one of their kids is in the series... lol...

I haven't seen how the series ends, so I had no idea... I'd seen bits and pieces, but the furthest I'd ever seen was where the gang saw this mock-up play about their adventures where all of their characters are grossly exaggerated and/or nothing like they are in real life...
and after a little joke about Katara and Aang's relationship on stage, he asked her how she felt about him...
undecided... maybe a little uncomfortable with being pressured into answering the question... ultimately Katara said that she wasn't ready for a relationship until the Fire Lord was defeated

I come across so much stuff between the animé I watch and the movies I've seen... a lot of stuff works its way into my head when I write these things that I sometimes borrow ideas without realizing, not knowing where they come from
(and I got to wondering if Jackson Rathbone is descended from the famous Basil Rathbone... despite the fact I'm totally in the Sherlock Holmes brand, between the Guy Ritchie adaptation, reading the actual books and looking forward to the new show "Elementary"... I haven't seen the original Sherlock Holmes before)...

after the intital bits of dialogue, I ended one session with the sentence "Just give me a minute"

yesterday I wrote in a way I never had before... but with my notebooks, I'm kinda hesitant to put too much in when my vision isn't super clear cuz its a pain to erase everything... the life of erasers isn't long at all :-?

I wrote a few sentence fragments that came to mind to describe parts of the scenery... I haven't settled on a narrative style yet, so I'm just adding details that I can work into sentences later...
these aren't them by the way, but the overall gist of it

her eyes are bloodshot. she has sullen black hair. a firm, unmoving jaw.
bandages of varying colorations are wrapped around her legs, arms and torso.
scarlet warrior's uniform ripped in a few places
multiple lacerations still visible even with all the bandaging

a sword was laying to the side... dust on the handle and I just added that it was split, unable to be repaired...

I wrote a few bits of dialogue from him to kinda define him as well as add to the scenario

he's sorry for how things turned out.
he knew how much she wanted to exact her revenge for whomever she wanted to avenge
"I'm probably the last person you want to see"... although I'm still figuring that part out, to see if that has any relevence...

he ends with the sentiment that she needs to let her injuries heal or she's no good to anyone...
and "my friend Cassie knew when patience was the most important thing"

so I know for a fact that they grew up together, they were super close... and quite possibly, he's the only person who has called her "Cassie"

the question is what she's going to do in respond to his visit...

I don't even have a name... originally, I thought something like Damon... cuz Ian Solmenhader kinda came to mind... but I shot that down...

for the moment, I'll call him Ren...

I'm going into my animé background again and thinking that just maybe... they have a similiar relationship to the characters Rukia and Renji in Bleach... they grew up in the same troubled neighborhood, enrolled at the same time at an academy that would train them to be Soul Reapers

Rukia was a little skilled with Kito than swordfighting... Kito is spell-casting for the most part...
but she was adopted by one of the most powerful families in the Soul Society, the Kuchki Clan

meanwhile, Renji was motivated to push forward with his training and became a lieutant to a soul reaper captain in one of the court guard squads...

who happens to be the leader of the Kuchki Clan, Byakuya Kuchki... I believe, in his mind, his goal is to surpass him in strength because he's the one person that kinda stands between him and Rukia

I could go on about all the possible pairings of characters... but Renji certainly thinks that Rukia is the person he wants to end up with...

so paying a little bit of homage, I guess... I'll at least give this character the name "Ren" and see how it works out... or if something else comes to mind...

Cassandra is an unbelievably strong character... definitely in league with Katniss Everdeen with a little bit of Rukia and Katara... but she won't be quite the same

Rukia and Renji has a really strange relationship where I really don't understand why they relate to each other the way they do...
like Renji will tease her in instances and she'll push back and say she's doing just fine without his help... like its an automatic thing...

I don't want Cassandra and "Ren" to be like that at all...

the question I'm left with after I finished his last bit of dialogue... how will she react to his visiting her? which way will the conversation go?
will she flip out at him? will she be somewhat quiet about it, but fight back tears while saying "I almost had him"...

there's only so far I'm willing to go with that... I don't want her to mope around or burst into hysterical sobbing because things aren't going her way...
but after this failure, she'd become so volitle that she'd had to be sedated so she doesn't reopen wounds and aggravate injuries

One thing I kinda want to stay... I mean really stay away from...
I don't want her to fall into the Kill Bill stereotype... I'd never seen either of the movies, but cuz I'd seen some of Tarantino's stuff (after being so in love with "Inglorious Basterds"... GREAT movie), I probably will at some point

she fancies swordfighting, but I think the Kill Bill series is meant to pay homage to the old Bruce Lee movies...
I don't want to fall into that pitfall either

it will have some Japanese influence for sure, make no mistake about that...

I believe that her duty was to protect someone of royalty... I'm thinking a princess... again, going back to that night, Shanghai Noon was still kinda hovering in my mind... cuz Jackie Chan played one of her guards

I'm not planning to go into that relationship too much, certainly not right away...
but what I do know is that I.F. either killed the princess or kidnapped her... and Cassandra felt duty-bound to protect her...
she might believe that the princess is dead, but to push the storyline forward, she might still be alive... but not to her knowledge

spoiler alert, I guess...

hmm... it could be that Ren was the reason Cassandra failed to protect the princess... she gave her the night off duty because Ren insisted on going out with her or spending time with her... which they don't get to do anymore...
but in that one night where she was out of the picture, the princess got kidnapped and she flipped OUT on Ren for distracting her...

both are skilled at what they do, but I think I.F. might also have sorcery on his side... and Cassandra's journey in this story is gaining the ability to deal with him... maybe learning a little sorcery of her own...
working with fire & ice or maybe some other elements too... I'm not going to jump too far ahead and try to plan things out...

but along the way, I'm going to leave clues for myself to figure out more about these characters.

3 "new" ideas, all of which I'm hesitant to share

I had a moment the other night while watching my animé hour on Adult Swim...
while watching Bleach... this one enemy, Ichigo finally seemed to have defeated... someone who's been kind of a pain to deal with because he is just that strong... but even I have to admit he was a cool villian (I'd post his name, but I don't know if I can spell it, lol)

it was going onto a commerical break and this enemy makes his presence known once again and I'm thinking "WTF, I thought he was dead... "

the idea popped into about an seemingly invincible foe... which a lot of animé tend to have...

something came into my head and started writing about... like a prologue of sorts... the protagonist was fighting the antagonist, I gather, to exact revenge for something he did... she's been beaten badly and struggles not to let this opportunity go. She tries to grab onto his arm and asks why he's still standing, she can't let this go, she must defeat him...
even to her last breath, she tries to keep going, but can't...

then I started writing something that happens a bit afterwards... another character asking about her... her injuries are taking a long time to heal, she's still hungry for revenge and she needed to be sedated because it threatens her recovery...

other than that, I don't have a lot so far... I'm thinking along the lines of an alternate world... something out of animé... I see her as a warrior, a very strong warrior... really skilled with a sword... I know nothing about the villian except that he either kidnapped or killed someone important to her, whether its a family member or someone she cared about... I'd come off watching Shanghai Noon for the first time earlier, so I was thinking that maybe she was meant to protect a princess or something, but failed in her duties...

I'll leave the idea alone for a while to see if anything come out of it. Because I had done so in the past and regretted it, its not going anywhere and I refuse to throw away any more ideas... I've had whole stories I've discarded and now I wish I hadn't just so I can look back and see if I want to change anything

there isn't much to the idea yet... so I can't necessarily say I don't know if I want to share it with anymore...

as for the other two, I'd been either brainstorming or writing bits and pieces for but haven't done anything really serious with them yet

"Te Busque" I've got my characters mostly mapped out... I have my 3rd act oultined... I just need to figure how the other pieces are going to come together..
I'm hesitant to show that one off or even discuss it because its hot subject matter.. the girls in it aren't just dancers, but on some nights at their place of business, they dance and auction themselves off to the highest bidder for a night... prostitution... and the main character came unpleasant circumstances that shaped her personality... her stepfather told her how special she was and he brainwashed her into believing their relationship was normal... they slept together... then when he dies, she finds out that all of the money her family has was gambled away so he literally screwed her out of a livelihood, out of money...
and to help clear a debt he accumulated, she offers her body and services to the people he owed money to... and she stays with it because its all she knows how to do, her stepfather kinda spoiled her for anything else she could possibly do... like she doesn't have the proper education to pursue a higher education... I'm kinda nervous about letting my family see that one no matter what shape it comes in because I'm writing about girls selling their bodies to make a living... like what does that say about me?

Then there's this other story I kinda wrote out of frustration from where I was... I felt like I was losing myself to my old workplace... and my saviours ended up being vampires... they still drink blood and all that, they're not quite like the Cullens, but they're tamer than the horror movie vampires...
then it became something of an escape and my frustration about things continues to go into it... and I'm extremely nervous to show that to my family because of things I've said about myself... I don't like to really show my vulnerabilities all that much, I'm more liable to clam up than fully disclose stuff like that.
I think every now and then that I need to see a therapist or see someone about my on & off depression... the lows aren't so low that I cut myself or inflict any sort of self-harm... but there are moments where I really wish I wasn't here... the confusion of my existence is too painful to bear sometimes... something usually comes around to pick me back up again, but its temporary relief...

I mean, the worst is that if I put that kind of stuff out there, there's no taking it back... no saying "I'm fine, that was just a moment of weakness" cuz I've had a few moments that I ulitmately keep to myself...
and I'm also thinking that if I say I want to see a therapist, they're going to give me a flat out no because I'd be making excuses... or if I'd look bad on my record... I dunno... but they'd probably say I don't need that kind of help and its something I need to push through on my own...

I don't want to have to change too much of myself to fit in... I've sworn off the idea of dieting because I don't want society to dictate my waist line... the whole "thin is in" thing...

I am a little monster, so I believe Gaga's "Born this Way" mantra to be true... that I should love myself for the way I am and not change to make other people like me...

I know there's a reason why I'm not considered beautiful by society... why I wasn't born blonde with blue eyes... I've considered dying my hair blonde, but sometimes I don't even know if I'd be up for that drastic a change...
I also know there's a reason why I'm ridiculously shy and insecure... why I'm not an eloquent speaker... that's something that has doomed a couple interviews, I'm sure... I'm a great typer and communicate well that way to make up for where I lack...

so how come I can't make a career out of that... why do I have to have this outgoing personality to get places in life...

my personality is meant to carry over because I don't have the looks that draw people in right away... but I can't bring that across because of the reasons I posted above...

would it be totally ironic and contradictory if I went to a therapist so I could be better with speaking to people... meddling with that... and I believe that that was the product of experiences I had when I was younger... I don't speak up because when I did, I got backlash for it... saying the wrong thing or the people around me were just rude... my default is to keep quiet so I don't offend anyone

although silence can be offensive to some people too... its taken as snobbyness

I'd written a few scenes down for my vampire story... why these two vamps are taking such an interest in my character, I don't know... supposedly the depression is so bad that it could attract other vampires so they keep an eye on me to preserve myself... again, why do they care? I have no idea...
but I've theorized a few reasons why I was fired from my place of work and put that into the story... my lack of communication finally caught up for me... and I really have nothing to go into interviews with... the economy sucks and I was fired because I have trouble communicating with people... its an issue that goes way back and I'm too set in my habits to change them...

it just makes me feel better sometimes to take frustration on certain people that I believe were why I was let go in the first place... they didn't want to deal with my anti-society tendancies...

I even weaved this conspiracy and made that into the big climax of the story...
but I haven't fully figured out the reasons why it came to conspiracy...

I was paranoid by certain things, making up theories and at the end of it all, it turned out to be true... of course I'm taking poetic license with this...

I want to put some of my experiences in the workplace in the story... I'd already written about the day I was let go... vamps included... I wrote a few scenes in one of my notebooks... one takes place a year after that day... I'd been everywhere I could possibly go locally and never got an interview... I'm frustrated and thinking that the "wrongdoers" are deliberately going out of their way to make sure I'm not hired anywhere else...

yeah, that makes as much sense as that SNL sketch the other week... where Kenan Thompson went to all these places, got hired, Bain Capital bought them just so he'd get laid off... although that was kinda stupid, especially when it came down to, they bought that one Orange Julius he worked at so they can lay him off... and a shoe-shine stand, they sent to China, to lay him off...

what's a good story without a little conspiracy thrown in there?
but I can't really show that to my former employers and co-workers... they'd know who they are and I'd been berated for the things I said

it shows my family that I'm manically depressed so I can't really show them either... but its something I've gone back to a couple times, I write something down when I'm frustrated and maybe one day I'll have enough to write a fully realized story... putting all these scenes together into one thing, kinda how they splice together a movie from scenes they shot at different times, not necessarily in chronological order

The question is where my attention is gonna be... and I still have another chapter in another project to work through