Returning from a Revisit: WTF was I thinking?

I'm sure we'd all come across that thought a number of times in our writing careers. I know that sometimes I can so monotonous and repetitious in my writing. But I had no idea that I was this bad.

One thing that gets under my skin whenever I read through submission guidelines is when they say they're looking for a certain word count. Or they're looking for this many pages. I've written much less than this in recent years, but the furthest I can get is just over 100. One day I'd love to peak at 200+ pages, and something like 200,000 words... heck, I'd love enough material for 400-500 pages, and it's all concise and stuff.

Recently I'd been reading "Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters" and noted how it's more character-driven. And plot is very slow to come across at some points. Usually the characters are discussing their relationships and such. Of course I know Jane Austen is one for exposition and length and all that.
But I don't necessarily want to be that kind of writer.

Having the comparison just made it easier for me to come to my conclusion:
I have such OCD when I write that I have cover all my bases. If my protagonist experiences something, either physically or mentally, s/he has to tell the other characters everything in her head.
But if the same stuff is repeating over and over, it gets pretty annoying.

I just spent the past couple days re-reading through "White Tiger"... it was my latest draft, which I stopped rewriting about halfway through and kinda, you know, stopped working on.
I loved the direction I was going on in too.

I'm pretty big on prologues and back stories in general and I'd love to keep my lengthy introduction to this story. But the main critique I'd gotten is that my prologues run too long and they should be considered part of the story starting with chapter 1.
That was another weird thing about this story: I never had designated chapters... my increments were always in lengths of time... so technically, I guess I could have Part 1, 2 and 3, but they'd have to be similar lengths.

If I do that, it's pretty obvious to me that the "meat" of the story will be part 2.
Supposing I stretch out my prologue until it can stand alone as its own entity, I'd have to write a bunch of story I never wanted to bother with.
That was my main issue with maintaining continuity and such. Whenever I didn't feel like writing about certain trials and tribulations, I keep the time stamps that range anywhere from a couple days, a week, to two months. Then in a few spots, 10 years and 2 years.

I'm also afraid that if I length my prologue, it's gonna get too dark and stay too dark for too long. And if it does get severely dark, it has to be a smooth transition to the next part. Meaning that it doesn't get too light right away.

It'd severely ironic of me to say I hate writing dark stuff when I actually do dabble in that frequently. I'd written a number of scenes off the record that stand as a testament how much I put Chihiro through over these years.
Doubtful I can use any of that because most of it is rewriting the same scenario repeatedly but the circumstances change.

Geesh... bar none, I can be really shitty to my protagonists and the stuff I put them through. It started with my fanfiction and progressed into original thought... and that was before I started watching "All My Children," my one & only soap.
The first original idea I had started with a session of health class where the question was why teens are driven to suicide.
Throughout my high school career, we received word of at least 5 suicides. We received the print-out in homeroom, where it explains what happens and that there is counseling stuff on site for anyone who needs. There was only one time where I knew the person. She was in my biology class and I had concert choir with her one year. I'd tell the story of what happened, but I'd be inaccurate and it wouldn't do her justice. We weren't particularly close, but a lot of people in the drama and choir programs were close with her.

For the sake of argument, my protagonist, like me, was very conscious about their grades and it was that pressure that they put on themselves that eventually drove them over the edge. But on top of that, I threw in all kinds of crap, whether his parents were going through a divorce, he was physically abused by his mother's new boyfriend... either way, he kept all that hurt inside and that's how it came to pass.
But of course, it was a failed attempt thwarted by his friends, to whom he never confessed anything to but they suspected something was wrong. Then he doubted his self-worth so much that when he got sick, he refused the antibiotics that would have made him better. Until he finally decides that he has something to live for.

The way I write about my characters sometimes makes me believe that I ought to be cited for literary abuse... I need to learn, if I do go down that path, to put as much as is NECESSARY for the plot... there's a point where it just gets excessive.

The one thing a lot of my characters seem to have in common with me is that they suffer from lack of self-confidence. And they sometimes have trouble speaking their mind about things. I have no trouble confessing to a computer screen, but forget it when it's actually asking for help or bringing something up verbally.

Jamie's lack of confidence... and it didn't start out that way... all this crap kept happening to him until he just gave up and cut himself.

Chihiro's lack of confidence eventually results in her giving her life for someone she loves because she believes "he can make a bigger difference in this world than I ever will" even if it means abandoning the duty she'd worked the entire story to get ready for.

Aside from repeating the thoughts I came across in narrative in dialogue to my characters, just to prove a point or make sure they knew everything I did... my biggest issue that I kept coming across was Chihiro tearing herself down, believing she isn't good enough.
Heck, she cried so much throughout this it almost felt like she'd give the protagonist of "Perks of Being a Wallflower" a run for his money... she was constantly apologetic if she didn't do things quite right or, in the case of one plot point, trying to kill the person she's in love with when she was under a spell the entire time.

I think it got to a point where I started to thinking that she's so pessimistic all the time that my readers aren't going to fall in love with her or want to continue reading to see how things are going to end.
Of course I've given away the ending a number of times throughout this that there's really no point.

I gotta find that ultimate ending believable. Taking a romantic rival out of the mix makes the romance a little more plausible, but at the same time, I cannot repeat the notion of sacrificing for love and the happiness of another person. So that's one element I need to eliminate...
this might be a good story to work on analyzing cause and effect.

I've been working with the idea for a different kind of antagonist... to make up for the elimination of the 2nd villain I borrowed from the InuYasha universe... someone from Chihiro's race. Possibly with a vendetta against her family because her mother rejected him and his proposition to merge their clans. The impasse was reached because he doesn't tolerate the human race the way she does.

So I have another way of orchestrating the first crucial plot point: Chihiro was sheltered from the outside world and its distrust/hatred of people like her, who have a half-human heritage... so few exist to begin with because of this predjuice.
Presumably, the humans declared war on her race, and her mother has no choice but to take action... which results in a bloody massacre. So Chihiro has no choice but to navigate this world on her own, an endeavour that proves very difficult.

I guess it could be good to add is that she has to find her only relative, her godfather... something that takes her a little while to figure out... for a time, she is wandering aimlessly in search of another clan to call her own where she might one day rule... although I'm not sure when to bring up that point because whenever it's mentioned, it puts the momentum back into the plot, drives it again.
I'd also considered the possibility of delaying the first time she comes in contact with Lucas. It's deciding the lesser of two evils: if I bring him up too soon, the memory of him might be in the mix too little or too much, if I bring him up too late, there could be issues there too.

The next thing I'll probably do, aside from the cause & effect outline, making sure all the bits and pieces of my storyline have relevance and work towards a goal... I'll go thru track changes and such, take out filler, remove characters and include a few notes to keep in mind.

cuz if I go anywhere further about those things here, this entry's never gonna end :-P

Animé Inspiration: InuYasha

One thing that's been a constant throughout my "writing" years... which is, at this point, half of my life... cuz I started when I was 13...

When I find a new source of interest, something I can totally leap into and get lost in, chances are extremely good (like, 90% if not 100 of the time) that it'll find its way into my writing at some point...
All of it blurs together eventually... where it's all that 4Kids animation making its way into my Pokémon fanfiction... or my new favorite movies being referenced in my novels ("Phantom of the Opera" into my sequel to Jonas's story... which is so weak in its overall storyline that I highly doubt anyone will be reading it)...

I have seen very little of that lately. The last huge inspiration I had was Mr. Downey, after whom I'd written a few accounts with his characters in mind... Larry Paul from "Ally McBeal" and Julian Wells from "Less than Zero"... characters pretty hard to let go of while watching their perspective source material.
Only difference is that I doubt I can stomach "Less than Zero" in its entirety ever again.

Other than that, all my writing has been blogging... whether it's mentioning my latest favorite movies and books and actors and musicians... or discussing ideas I'm considering writing about.
I've found it very hard to commit to any sort of long-term project because I don't know where to begin. Plus all the stuff I'd learn either in my creative writing class or online from my writer's digest newsletters puts a lot of extra pressure on me, things that I have to keep in mind, and honestly, it's a major hassle trying to get everything just right...

Supposing I develop that degree of OCD in my writing and I'd never get anything done...
Nothing really new to report on Cassandra (which I haven't looked at in MONTHS) or Te Busque (I'm golden as long as I don't tire of my 30+ song playlists)...

What I'm eventually gonna discuss happened during Bleach the other night...
the series is finally starting to pick back up again. Not just being back to the main story arc, but we're finally back to the main characters... Ichigo, Rukia, Orihime, Chad and Reji... which I haven't seen any of in what feels like FOREVER... certainly not in this story arc...

They showed a commercial that was a mish-mash of all the different animé on Toonami/Adult Swim... seeing the few clips they showed of InuYasha had me heart swell like it hadn't in a long time... not that it's been FOREVER since the last time I watched any of my DVD's (I think I blew close to $200 on those DVD's, money I had saved up on the side, within 3-5 month period, lol... but I have them, therefore I am grateful I'm able to look back).

For a number of reasons, I'd used the likeness of Sesshomaru as my avatar for a number of blogs I've operated over recent years. Around that time, I was starting to find a great deal of interest in him, and he kinda represented the next direction I was going in (blogging about the elusive musician Prince), having that same type of personality.

Anyways, I was basking in the glow of all those clips I hadn't seen in a long time and I brought out my iPod to listen to some animé themes I found online...
after putting the entirety of my fav animé soundtracks on my iPod, I had since removed all but three because, let's face it, I wasn't listening to them and they were taking up space for other music.
Luckily I left behind "Come"... I believe it's the 2nd to last ending theme used in InuYasha... it's one of those nighttime anthems I like to listen to before bed because the visual is rooted in darkness, night time imagery... very soothing and relaxing...
then right behind it was "Life" by Yui... one of the ending themes for Bleach... my god, the first time I heard it, I absolutely fell in love with it... they started using it during the latter part of the story arc where Ichigo is rescuing Rukia from execution in the Soul Society... when he actually starts to get around to achieving that objective

so anyway, between those two, I was feeling pretty good...
then any possibility of falling asleep was interrupted by the ice forming in my veins...
I double-checked online last night as well as this morning to make sure my complaint to Amazon held...

last September, I did an entry about someone who stole "White Tiger" and presented it as their own work... someone let me know about this, I made the complaint to Amazon and they had since removed the listing from their site (and I believe the rest of her works as well). I checked all through the Internet to submit the allegations if they weren't alleged already...
someone already got to her GoodReads account, posting on all of her "stories" that they were stolen

and for your viewing pleasure, I'll include someone's mention of the June Ashley scandal... she was either the person who clued me in or a friend of hers that was a victim
http://raicodoll.tumblr.com/post/32485276156
be sure to spread the word

I'd say that "thankfully" I took care of this before too much could be screwed up...
but it would seem none of the stuff she stole was good enough to receive any acclaim...
I don't think I saw a single one with more than a 2 star-review...
my story when it was on Amazon had maybe 3 positive reviews and the rest were very negative...

that has me seething on the inside in a "rolling in my grave" sort of way... I felt bad about the things they said about my story, that they didn't like it and, worse, it sounded like it was written by a kid... 
my ego took a hit, but perhaps it was for the best

I hadn't thought about this in quite a few months, but my peace of mind was immediately arrested... and I'm having trouble making bail... all proverbially, of course

One of these days, I do hope to make good on this story... but there's an overwhelming wealth of edits I still need to do...
as I'm sure I'd posted a couple of times, I want to avoid any sort of scandal, someone telling me that my material infringes on InuYasha and I shouldn't take complete credit for that...

I have a strong enough character (in her overall make-up, not so much as a person) that I can totally make good for her sake.
I thought this over last night when I was having trouble falling asleep.

How much of my original material, my fanfiction, could I change and/or would need to change for me to escape comparison?
One of the latest best sellers was "50 shades of grey"... which I have yet to read (and don't have any immediate plans to do so... but I wouldn't rule it out)... but originally started out as a fanfiction of "Twilight"... and nobody draws the comparisons anymore...
lol...
I'd say "If E.L. James can do it, I can do it too"... except I don't plan on turning my story into an X-rated S&M sex romp

The principle is the same though... if she can make a departure from a fanfiction and make it a success story, I can do the same...

My storyline is solid... for the most part...
if anything, I was thinking of changing a few character back stories and completely removing one villain from the equation...
so technically, some version of Sesshomaru will still be in the mix... but I'll have to make him less of what he is... he's a character where you can't be completely sure of how evil and bad he is because he has that duality, that grey area... he'll be more ruthless... and to eliminate Naraku from the equation, I might decide for my Sesshomaru character to have a partner or assistant who is versed in sorcery... he or she will make his/her way into the mix for one specific scene where Chihiro is possessed and under this possession or spell, rather, she'll fight Lucas (my Inuyasha character) to the death... or until love breaks the spell...

which leaves the matter of whether I need the Koga character in the story at all.. it's a little too much like the InuYasha story arc if I have all of his enemies in it in some form...
Koga was a great match for Chihiro in the fanfiction cuz they could stay toe-to-toe with one another in a fight and eventually they forge an alliance with one another...
which kinda goes bust at the end of things because Chihiro loses her life for Lucas

hmm... for that matter, do I need Anna (my version of Kagome) in there at all either?

all I really need from the InuYasha universe is him, (at minimum) one of his comrades in some form (Miroku was the most logic choice because he's good with healing too, something necessary for this story to work), and a villain (Sesshomaru is the best candidate, of course)

there's also the biological connotations... that's probably the biggest giveaway aside from Lucas's personality... Chihiro is shunned because she's a white tiger, something I conjured up as the result of her heritage... which is half-human...
same thing with Lucas because, like Inuyasha, he's half-human

I'd like to keep this as close to the source of inspiration as I can... in a "closest to the retail price  without going over" sort of way... 

I could easily take humans out of the equation and write that they were outcasts simply because they have white hair... I can blame it on albinism... or some genetic mutation... cuz albinism is white with red eyes and they have to have blue eyes
Either way, Chihiro's father has to be someone who exists outside her clan, her family... I penned that her father was a samurai that lacked in self-confidence and her mother helped train him after he saved her life... 

no, I don't think I have enough brain power to conjure up something more plausible than the idea I already have in place...

if I keep Anna in the story at all, the change I'd make is her about Bastian (my version of Miroku) being brother and sister... but I'm starting to think that it might be a good idea to take her out of the story to dispel similarities... 
meaning that I have Lucas's companion down to being like Miroku or Sango... but it's kinda hard to bring Sango back into the mix when I have things pretty solid with Miroku's likeness

in fact one things that Anna brought to the story was complication... and one that was kinda hard for me to wriggle out of...
Chihiro doesn't confess her feelings for Lucas until the end of the story... on her death bed... because she didn't want to get in the way of his relationship with Anna... and Anna (and for that matter, Kagome in my fanfiction) was so easy going with this the entire time... the impossible wriggle-room is that she's okay with Chihiro's developing relationship with Lucas rather than jealous or possessive... nobody is that perfect

I could work up a storyline bearing little similiarity to the original source material...
One of Inuyasha's deepest flaws that is a continued nuisance throughout the series is his love of Kikyo... whether in life or death, he's unable to get over her... when, meanwhile, he's in a relationship with Kagome, her reincarnation...
I took Kikyo out of the equation for my doctored-up fanfiction because it was one too many love interests...

I could pen up that Kagome was the one who died...
and it could work with the brother-sister idea I have with Anna & Bastian were brother and sister... although it could make for an uneasy alliance between him and Lucas... especially if it was Sesshomaru that killed her... ultimately she would have been targeted because of her relationship with him... 
the alliance could be made because Bastian wants to get revenge for Anna's death... it's a common goal for the two of them, but there's more than just this determining

Ultimately, it'll boil down to what I feel is right... making all these changes just to avoid myself getting pegged for plagiarizing... there's gotta be a little give and take if I'm really serious about trying to publish this thing...
and as of right now, I still have a long way to go. I started editing it, changing from 3rd POV to 1st... from Chihiro's POV... that included an ample backstory...

I can think of at least one character I can remove from the equation that I'd feel guilt-free about... InuYasha had the priestess Kaede, Kikyo's younger sister, whom Kagome met when she crossed over to the Feudal Era and learned a bit about Inuyasha and the type of world they live in with demons and about the sacred jewel... 
she only appeared in a couple scenes in my story under a different name... she told Chihiro about Lucas's past, what he was like and they exchanged a few bits of dialogue
she also sees her later on, after the story flashes forward, and updates her on how Lucas has been since the fateful night they all came into each other's company...

She's merely there to give some extra background information that the protagonist doesn't know and obviously can't divine clairvoyently...

I mean, what's more romantic... potentially... than coming in contact with a handsome stranger, on the brink of death... the only wrench in this is that Chihiro's young when she meets Lucas... Although I suppose a 5 year age difference wouldn't be a huge deal... 
It'd be interesting to revisit that part, if only to write that part again... 

It'd be hard to let go of Kagome/Anna... but to make things smoother, it might be necessary... 
Chihiro giving her life for Lucas is the ultimate sacrifice and this complicated relationship (beset by the relationship between Lucas and Anna) is the reason she has no regrets about it. Because she only wished for his happiness and her being there would only get in the way of them. 
hmm... come to think of it, that would be asking for too much... the only other time Lucas falling in love, the girl dies, and Chihiro dying would make it 2 for 2... talk about depressing...

why can't she be the one to melt his cold heart, who never saw any reason to put trust in anyone before meeting her? 

...
right now, I'm picturing an interesting scene... the day after Chihiro meets Lucas, heals his wounds and such, he wakes up to find himself alone but his close to fatal wounds being close to fully healed... then he's having a conversation with Bastian, musing about the interesting circumstance allowed... of course this can only be something I write on the side. It's Chihiro's story so it's not like this discussion can be in the same place as her narrative.

I still have a lot to figure out with this story, but I'm just saying it'd be nice if I can get things off the ground, there's more of me in there than my source of inspiration... a great, but tragic, love story
and her tragic flaw is that she lacked such self-confidence that she was afraid to love because she was afraid she'd never receive love in return.

..something like that...