re-reading Chapter 4 [scroll down for commentary]

I attempted to write an entry about this several months ago... I ended up getting side-tracked by one thing or another (I have my suspicions about who..) and whatever, the thing just kinda fell apart.

What I did do was map out a little bit of a timeline as to what would happen in the next couple chapters via the calendar. I got as far as the weekend of September 21/22... I'm not sure how I picked my dates in particular... I just have it written that Nina's first day at school is September 13th, a Thursday. That was the day I met "David," one of many inspirations for Jonas... the key ingredient being his pale blue eyes that I simply lost myself in for hours every week (we had one 'class' together: lunch).

It was a little strange, but I guess a little cathartic that once everything happened that year, I'd have drama class with him the following year... when I decided to take drama for two semesters instead of just the one. I don't know what the hell happened because after the first couple exercises, it just turned into a study hall.
And there was this small little, I wouldn't call it an incident, but it was out of the ordinary. One of the seniors gave me a note, commenting on the fact I kept to myself and that she was taking a psychology course, in which she learned that people who come from abusive households develop into loners... I had to write back in saying that she was off the mark.
No joking, and I don't mean to make light of any situation with similarity to that. At the time, I felt a little insulted. First of all, I wasn't even entirely alone. "David" was sitting right next to me most days and we'd talk on occasion. And second of all, I don't know... I suppose its an easy mistake to make, but c'mon... I chose to live my life the way I did. There's no need to analyze that to death. And my decision to live that way didn't come from the household I grew up in. I could say this and that about how things were, how there was a lot of pressure on my part (still is, but in my teens, the weight was a lot heavier).
Ultimately, I've pinpointed the method to my madness down to a single incident in kindergarten, the first time I was told by one of my peers that I couldn't participate. After that, I never intentionally wanted to encrouch on anyone's territory because I never knew if I was wanted there.

I commented how strange it was that I focus a lot of my stories in high school, but I really didn't like high school very much. Aside from the fun I had with the musicals, dramas and whatever else in the performing arts (when I was just another face in the crowd or auditionee), I was stressing out over grades. And I'd be lying if there wasn't once or twice where I thought that it would be best if I just put myself out of my own misery. Ironic how much the notion of teenage suicide and what brings people to those choices fascinates me, I have considered it myself, but never put so much as a plan together. Because once you punch your own ticket, that's it, there's no second chances.

My high school had at least 6 incidents of suicide in the three years I went there... only one time when it was someone that I knew. She was in the peforming arts programs, was in my concert choir class one year and that year, she was part of my biology class. Her aspirations were for West Point. On a trip with a group of her classmates (with similiar aspirations), she was berated by one of the officers and ran off. The next day, around gym class, a lot of people were broken up about something and I suspected that her body was found.

Yeah... when it comes to suicide, I'm under the equal impressions that the people in question have simultaneously been contemplating it or rather, there wasn't just one isolated incident, but several until one proved to be too much.... and that it is a last-minute decision that happens rather quickly.
It's a tough gig.

So yeah,  high school was tough for me. Most grades were tough to a certain degree. I'd estimate that grades 5 through 7 were among the easiest to endure because I had at least one best friend. 8th grade was a little bit tougher, especially when it came to one of my friends and my lack of vision/reality on a certain subject. 9th grade was uber-tough, the first time where I was driven to that kind of depression... the burden was made greater and simultaneously easier to bare because of one band that rocked my world that year 8-)

10th and 12th grade were easier than 11th. 11th and 9th were equally hard to endure because of grades... I fell into bad streaks of getting C's or lower on my tests in my honors classes.
I attempted after news of the first suicide leaked in 10th grade to write about a boy who endured so much pain, between his broken home and his grades, that he attempts suicide, only to find later on in recovery that he didn't have to go through it alone. He has a circle of friendship but too ashamed of his situation to confess anything to them. Certainly, if it was me, my motive would be my grades... hmm... a little too "Breakfast Club"-y?

Anyway, yeah, the way I lived life was because I didn't know how to interact with my peers. Clearly there was a clique system in my high school... pretty much defined by the fact that there are the athletes and the non-athletes... I learned this fact for sure in maybe 9th grade, when the athletic types laughed me off and clearly didn't take me seriously... thinking they were in a class by themselves (one of them, I had a crush on in 6th grade and it took me until our next social studies class together 2-3 years later to realize he wasn't worth it)... then there was the performers and the pretenders... I always figured there was a bias in the auditions towards the extroverted, theatrical types with the big voices and no nerves to speak of. I admired the hell out of the senior class when I was a junior (made one of them a fan site too... that hasn't been updated since he graduated... last I heard, he was part of a theater company in White Plains, NY so he's not entirely in obscurity).

I really need to stop doing that... probably lost all my readers by this point.

I guess one part of the discussion that I had with myself that has some relevence to this... Nina asks Jonas sometime in the previous chapter about his family and when she hears about his "uncle," she first asks if he's nice... as if she's kinda guessing that he's come from that type of household too.
But seriously, the one incident he speaks of when he loses control of his abilities and it generates a force-field around him, moving everyone out of his personal space... that sounds like more than enough to be freaked out about. He doesn't need to come from a broken home in addition to that... although he is very embarassed, it seems, of his situation where he doesn't even know his last name or what became of his parents.

Heck, I could even go the extra mile and have Mai pose a question about his homelife. But I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that.
I certainly didn't come into writing the story with child abuse in mind for a piece of the plot or background of anything. In fact, I don't know if I'm even comfortable with addressing that with this story.
I already kinda did that with the suicide storyline... at the beginning of the 4 years of reckoning, the character's older brother leaves for college and he's the closest friend he has (in addition to his small circle). Then word gets out that his mom was having an affair with another man, so there's a divorce. It's one thing for him to be bullied around by his older stepbrother, but another that the other man his mom was having the affair was... yeah, there was definitely a bit of child abuse there.
I wrote this with a soap opera like storyline in mind and with suicide as the end result of 4 years of suffering...

GEESH... I was a sadistically, sick puppy at that time...
When I showed that story to my mom and my grandma a few months later, I couldn't help but think they thought I had mental problems. It's kinda hard to write about suicide without people thinking that the mentality of it is based on reality.

That's a story I'd been meaning to work out for years, but nothing ever comes out completely right.

And I'd really gone out of my way to avoid reading this chapter.

COMMENTARY STARTS HERE

Here's what's happened in the story so far:

• Nina arrives at a new school
• She is accepted into a group of cheerleaders
• She bumps into someone in the cafeteria, rendering her helpless. He takes her to the nurse
• Nina tells the cheerleaders about Jonas
• Mai points Jonas out to Nina and the two of them officially meet for the first time
• Jonas shows up at Nina's, and confesses about his 'powers' and why he stays away from people
• Jonas invites Nina to see her the next day

Chapter 4:

returning characters: Nina, one or both of her parents,  Jonas

introducing: Peter Bronson (Jonas's guardian),iguanas (Sparky & Scorch), horses (Thunder, Windy and Rain)

This commentary is going to be about my latest draft, which runs for about 13 pages (double-spaced) and a little less than 4,000 words.
What I tend to do with each chapter is that I note the events of importance, guidelines from the outline I didn't construct until AFTER finishing the actual story. (It often isn't in my style to outline... my suicidal storyline was the only time I did and the way it turned out makes me cringe in part because of it). Then I paste another copy of my most recent draft and just make my rewrites and edits where they're needed.

Example of my events of importance:

• Nina meets Peter and the iguanas
• Nina invites the two to her parents’ house for dinner
• Jonas introduces Nina to his horses
• They go riding in the enclosure
• Nina tells Jonas about riding camp
• Jonas tells Nina about the “bedtime story” (which is ironically about his past life)

And it seems I'm stuck in writing in Arial font, but that's okay. It's my go-to for all intensive purposes. I'll see how much I can get through before the first game starts (Houston & Baltimore, really no preference on who wins cuz the Patriots can beat either of them).

first, gotta single space it so it's easier to read/get through (makes it 7 pages to get through rather than 13)

huh... that's strange... I coulda sworn a conversation took place between Nina and her parents before she left. The previous chapter ends with her mom insisting that she invite them over for dinner... sort of a "get to know the neighbors" type of thing... but nope, all I have is that she puts on some not-so-nice clothes for when she goes riding.

Having that she's checking her watch to see what time it is might be pushing it. I'm extremely punctual to the point it was my obsession when I was in school, had to get to class on time (yeah, my first semester of college had a few incidents as a result of that... I missed one or two classes completely by oversleeping and I got there maybe an hour later to one of them).

I think between her and Jonas, he is the one that's a bit more punctual, by the clock or whatever... if I knew a little more on the subject, I could have written that he was diagnosed with Asperberger's or a highly functioning version of autism... that would explain his behavior a little more too...
:sigh: but no, once again, I'll have to turn down the opportunity to address it from that manner. Supposing he didn't have psychic abilities he wanted to keep secret, him being diagnosed with anything like that definitely would help support his self-impose isolation.

(okay, this is me trying to keep going with my entry after I'd been away for a couple of hours. I'll leave all the Hollywood/NFL commentary for my other blog, but prognosis is definitely great).

The inspiration for this little trip through the woods that Nina takes to get to Jonas's house... actually, just the whole idea of where he lived... one of my aunts has massive woods in her backyard that goes on for quite a while. On the other side of it, I've seen a couple of houses. There's also a river that runs through it that's about four or five feet wide. I haven't been there in ages, feels like a long time, but whenever I get a chance, I'll be sure to remember to bring a camera. All the more to add to the picture I'm trying to instill into this story. Definitely a few more sentences of exposition and description couldn't hurt here.
There was another instance here, I used the word "assumed" and that's something else I need to cut out. I can't have my characters being that hyper-aware of their surroundings or just me narrating as if the narrator knows what they're thinking. That clairvoyence I mentioned a few entries ago.

I may have miswritten that both houses had a screen door. I can't remember if it was one in particular or both, but I might have done both. And I put that it was white... it's on the other side of these woods that are at least half an acre to an acre. Maybe something a little more earthy than just white for description.

Here, I introduce Peter Bronson as being a man about the age of 55 (which feels kinda weird now because my dad is going to be 57 this year... which would make him close to mid-40's around the time I wrote this... it was meant to be an average age, not too old, not too young)... the age isn't a huge detail, but its been locked in for years. Despite the fact all of these celebrities look damn good in their 50's, I'm not about to change that.
I don't quite remember how much of the original conversation about him went into the previous chapter, but again, I can't help but notice how odd it is that Nina say the things she does. Asking "is [Peter] nice?" and saying to Peter "I'm glad he's well brought up"... those are major observations for a 14 year old girl to make. That might just be me being a little more on that mid-aged side from a mental stand-point

I was hoping to get through this before midnight, but as I only have 15 minutes, I might not be able to do all at the rate I'm going. I'm just afradi that if I let this entry sit for too long I'm going to forget about it...
maybe I ought to break it down into two parts... just need to find a good halfway/cut-off point

Already, I'm rereading this and Peter seems very aloof, unassuming about the whole thing... says nothing but nice things about Jonas. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with this conversation, if anything at all. I mean, he practically raised him for the past 13-14 years, so you'd think he'd be a little more concerned for him coming into this age and having this attitude about his peers. I'm not sure how many people would find this type of relationship believable.

Heck, Peter Bronson could be British for all I know, he offers Nina a cup of tea :-P
that might be a little stereotypical of the Brits, but hey, it might make things a little more interesting when it comes to the possibility of casting this part. I was thinking someone along the lines of Peter Gallagher and if I'm really shooting, George Clooney (but last I heard, he's not up for acting too much these days, more on the directing side of things).
Definitely not Michael Caine, he'd be a little too old (plus he played Alfred in the latest Batman franchise, not the direction I want to go with at all). Colin Firth is definitely too young for the role as is Hugh Grant. They're laidback fellows, but definitely not for this type of role. 

Nah, for the moment I'll just stick to Americans... I'm already making things too complicated.
Peter isn't much of a father figure to Jonas and is more or less someone that looks after him according to the marriage vows... you know "for better & worse" and "in sickness and health" that sort of thing... he's very laid-back about things because Jonas has kept up with his grades despite everything he's gone through.
If I were a little more awake, I'd compliment ideas of origin stories... detailing the relationship he has with Jonas.

One thing that is going to stay in place, no matter what goes on, is the fact when Nina arrives that Saturday morning, Peter is the one who answers the door and ushers her inside. Then he comes down the stairs to answer a question Nina poses about her mom's 'neighbors' dinner' idea. I can almost picture him rushing down the stairs to get the door, but stops halfway down the steps when he hears that Peter had beaten him to it... during which he keeps himself hidden until he believes his presence is required.

It's one thing for Peter to be super laid-back and an easy-going type of 'father figure.' But taking into account what happened the previous day, Jonas willingly putting himself out there, telling Nina all about himself in a single afternoon... isn't it a little strange that he has reverted a little bit to his old self when he comes into the conversation later on?
Then there's the whole conversation where Jonas kinda gives away how uptight he is about the fact he doesn't know what happened to his parents. It starts with Peter saying that Jonas doesn't like taking his last name for his own and in Jonas's words "I’m not really your son so I wouldn’t take your last name. As far as I know, I don’t have a last name" strange, I copied/pasted Arial and it came out in serif font...

I'm not sure if there's a way I can completely legitimize this 180, this totally different demeanor coming from my character... it's just... strange. In fact, he even sounds angry when I'm rereading this sentence... considering who I'm dealing with here, that sounds like cause for alarm.
And really, why now is it going down this way? The way I pictured it, with the exception of this scene, the relationship between these two people is great...

and now it seems I'm starting to really overcomplicate things. But it's true... it's a really big reversal here to have Jonas visually upset about clarifying this and bringing this out into the open. Bringing up his parents being more of a hot button than his other abilities leaking to the school's gossip line.

Hmm... there seems to be all kinds of possibilities for this to work out different ways... in one draft, I can definitely see Jonas being close to losing it and Nina's presence reassures him that everything's going to be okay. And if anything, I want to keep the motif of there being subtltes of emotion when it comes to Jonas... he can't be too much far in one direction except in some very drastic situations... this isn't one of them.

Embarassment and shame are the two key emotions I want to play with here rather than anger.

This conversation comes and goes. Jonas introduces Nina to his two iguanas, a short conversation I don't really want to do too much to. Nina and Peter exchange a few words that I'd like to keep in there

After Jonas disappeared up the stairs, Peter commended Nina. “That was very sweet of you to say. It means a great deal to him to have someone support him the way you just did.”

 “I just didn’t want to see him sad… that’s all.”

One key thing about Peter is that he operates from behind the scenes a lot. He and Jonas really don't discuss things after one of those incidents occurs in the rainy season. He knows that Peter knows all about what happens, and they both accept that there's nothing that can be done to change the situation. He's also not the type of person who pushes Jonas into situations he doesn't want to go into... he merely acts as a source of advice, if he wants it, but doesn't allow himself to get too involved in his private life. Perhaps it was because he always knew Jonas was destined for greatness.

I just pretty much scrolled through the last couple pages and not going to add too much... I think the majority of what happens can stay, but I need to polish the narration and the dialogue a tiny bit.

One thing I keep going back to is when Jonas takes Nina out to the stables, she makes a comment about Peter and he changes the subject rather than talking about it. Practicing that whole manevuer of "avoidance."

I can't help but feel this is something I need to iron out a great deal... geesh, and I thought Jonas and Mai had a lot of kinks in their relationship that I needed to work on. Peter is a very supportive character throughout this story so it really doesn't make sense of Jonas to have that sort of disdain for him that he exhibits in this chapter.

Subtly is the key, for sure... figuring out how much is too much... a little bit of embarassment and shame is good to continue with the self-confidence problem. And if they have a good relationship in general, it makes no sense for Jonas to act this way or talk this way when he's in the same room with them. It's a little rude, I guess... yeah, there's definitely a lot I gotta fix with that.

As far as Jonas and his animal companions, all of that seems to be playing out exactly the way it needs to be.

So to conclude this, I have two things to figure out:

-what does Jonas really think of Mai and her rumors?

- how does Jonas feel about Peter and his living situation?/how does Peter feel about Jonas and the way he chooses to live his life...

With that last, it seems that he doesn't want to say it aloud, but deep down, he worries sometimes that Jonas might not to able to live a full, happy life if he continues on along this trek of loneliness.

the very reason why I list Hayao Miyazaki as one of my influences

My love for Japanese animation goes back to the days when Pokemon was my greatest interest, soon to become one of many great obsessions I'd had over the years.
I'd since checked into other 4kids anime (most of which are frowned upon by the masses of anime fans, but I could care less) like Yu-Gi-Oh, Sailor moon and CardCaptors. My college days allowed me the late hours to check into Adult Swim, from which I derived even more anime, plus there was my school's anime club where I made friends and... oh man, those were good times.

All of the things I mentioned definitely inspired a load of fanfiction, but a few bits here and there have become a baseline for where I wanted to go. A launchpad if you will. Some were characters and others were just ideas.

My prolific period, when I churned out maybe 6-8 stories, the majority of my work, I was between the ages of 16 and 22. Naturally, I work with a lot of young characters because it's all I know. Most of the time, it takes place in a high school setting. It's kinda ironic when you think about it, considering how much I really didn't like high school, with the exception of my time working in the company of high school musicals and concert choir.

Aww... I just saw another commercial for that movie "The Vow" with Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum. I like her a lot, but don't care too much for him. But... what appears to be another Nicholas Sparks film (the credits next to their names are the NS movies they starred in), has me really wanting to see it on the grounds that they used "Enchanted" in the commerical.

Taylor Swift has a way with words, definitely, and after seeing her concert DVD "Journey to Fearless," I know she is very creative in the visual sense as well. The set up for the performance of "Love Story" is not to be missed.
"Enchanted" is very much in the same school of things, if not more extraordinary. So yeah, naturally because of the association, the commercial worked its subliminal magic on me and knows how to sell a movie that will, no doubt about it, make me cry my eyes out like a complete wimp by the end of it.

I'm also incredibly interested in seeing that post-9/11 drama "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close." It was snubbed by the Hollywood Foreign Press for a Golden Globe, but I still think it could be Oscar-nominated.

So today I was feeling extra daring and decided to send a fan letter to Taylor Swift full of compliments and congratulations for her unbelievable successes. I also gave her a little preview of my story because being the romantic she is, she might appreciate it. Sometimes it never hurts to put yourself out there even though nothing may never come of it.
But enough about that.

I tend to do that a lot with my regular blog, side-tracking. With my writer's blog, I hope to work on my focus just a little bit more or I'm apt to lose whatever readers I get pretty quickly.

Hopefully I can get my mind where it needs to be to start this entry.

I'd be entertaining the idea of an epic story for a while, one that has elements like fire, water and wind taking on physical form, using mythological creatures and that good old battle between good and evil. But there was something missing. The secret ingredient was what the hero of my story would be like. At the time, there was this guy at my lunch table. To say I had a crush on him would be an understatement, but the most extraordinary thing about him were these pale blue eyes of his. I would literally lose myself in them for hours and hours and lunch time was never the same again.

But there was still something missing. Around that time, I remember "Spirited Away" beating out 4 other animated films, all which I'd seen, for an Oscar. Few things pissed me off like something winning an award and I had never heard of it. If it was so great, why hasn't it gotten a lot of press and advertisment?
Naturally I had to see what all the fuss was about and rented it from Blockbuster.

I was regretting my ire within the first 10 minutes, haha... it happens that way sometimes, I guess. I never banked anything quite like this.
I had never seen anything quite like it before, however magical the world and however lovable the characters were. The movie stayed with me so much that I had to see it again, had to own it... the only thing I don't really remember is how soon afterwards I sat down in front of the computer and wrote my prologue. It could have been a couple hours afterwards, it could have been the following afternoon. I only wish my memory was that good.

I'd gone on and on about how greatly influential this movie was on me that it got one of my friends interested in seeing it. He offered an interesting second opinion on it and I couldn't help but look into some of his quips while watching it today.

Someone else who read my story in its earlier stage said that it was pretty easy to see where I'd gotten my inspiration from the movie.
The scary thing was, in my most recent look over the story, there were a lot of things in the movie that found their way into my story on the subconscous level. A lot of them were moments that had me going "oops" and "I had no idea that I did that."

This time around, I was a little on edge about getting interrupted or otherwise getting some sort of news that could derail my enjoyment of the flick. But one way or another, it always gets me just the same as it did that first time around.

The easiest thing to derive from my story that's similair to the movie is the beginning. I'm almost ashamed to say that the opening scene of the movie where Chihiro and her parents are driving to their new home is almost shot for shot where my story begins... after the prologue of course.

That's the most obvious detail aside from bits and pieces of characters. Then there were the little things, most of which were just plain coincidences. In the most recent draft, I orchestrated Nina's mom being a little worrisome and her dad being a little more laid-back... Chihiro's parents were oddly enough the same way.

Lin takes Chihiro under the wing when she starts working in the bath house much the way that Mai did with Nina. Both happen to share the same attitude of the young man in question. I don't know if I did it intentionally or not, but somehow, it just worked out the way it did.

Of all the really cool things I took in about the movie, Haku was probably the biggest piece quote "took home with me." When she becomes trapped in the spirit world, Haku helps Chihiro and is very kind to her. But there are a couple of moments where the audience is left to wonder if he's good or not. His actions are a little unusual and this time around, I was trying to explain it for myself. I never really thought about it when I was younger. It was just a gut feeling that I had and I never once questioned it.
:sigh: now I feel really bad that I was questioning myself this time around, never occurred to me before to doubt him

There was just something about him that stuck with me the whole movie. Then by the end of it, not only did I not want for it to end or to leave that world behind, I found myself wanting to know what was going to happen next. When Chihiro got settled into her home and got to her new school, would she see him there or someone like him?

I guess its that kind of thing that goes way back for me, this being the first example of me doing this. I see something or someone in a movie that I feel to be a kindred spirit and I want to write about what happens next. I did that recently after seeing "Remember Me," wanting to see what it'd be like afterwards, how the loved ones of someone who died in the war on terror carried on afterwards.
I wouldn't exactly say that "Less than Zero" was the same thing because I spent a couple months reworking things for a completely different ending... I couldn't live with how it turned out so I wrote my own story for how Julian kicked the habit.

Jonas does somewhat introduce Nina to a different world, but they come by it accidentally rather than on purpose. It turns out that he was the reincarnation of an angel and there's a destiny he needs to fulfill.

Yeah, as I'm writing, I can find myself losing focus. There were details about Haku that made it into Jonas's characterization, but the most important thing I took with me was the feeling of what it was like to be around. Just wanting to heed his every word because he was looking out for Chihiro's best interests. The comfort level was unlike anything I felt before.

Before my next post, I hope to put together and post that collage of photos for my tentative cast. The lightning picture is good for starters, but I want to take things to the next level here.

Casting Discussion: My [Tentative] "Cast list" for Jonas's Story

When it comes to what I write, whenever I write, as I write each scene, my mind processes it like a movie. I see my characters as if they are real people interacting with one another. I hear different voices in my head and their attitude comes through in their words.

There was an assignment I had in English class once. It was a group assignment that kind of ballooned into something I didn't really anticipate. Our assigment, mostly for fun or extra credit because I don't remember how it turned out, was to decide on which actors to cast in which roles if "The Catcher in the Rye" was ever made into a movie.
Everyone kinda knew from one way or another that Pokémon was something I knew a lot about, that I was a big fan of the show or whatever. A couple of the groups were casting for this hypothetical movie going through either sports teams or casts for TV shows like 90210 or whatever else kids were watching. I wanted to do it by picking out different actors, but everyone seemed set on the Pokémon idea.
Hmm... now I wish I could remember if the assignment turned okay or not. I don't even remember if it was for credit or extra credit.

It's kinda funny, actually. We had that assignment around the time I was either writing or just finishing writing this story and I remember details about putting together some integral moments a lot more easily than what became of English class.

I've always entertained this idea for my own story, trying to figure out which actors I'd like to cast in which roles. Chances are really good that by the time I get published (if I get published) and supposing a movie deal follows (I'm always open to the possibility of it because that would be the ultimate thrill), a lot of these actors might not be hot anymore and they'll luckily to be too old to play the parts.
I have it set in high school. Alan Ruck, who played Cameron Frye in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" was 30 when he was cast in the movie. Therefore, 31 will be my cut-off point unless, by other circumstances, they can't pass for high school age.


Only in this most recent rehash have I managed to actually figure out who I'd like to cast for Mai's three cronies/gal pals/fellow cheerleaders. When I started to specify differences in looks and appearances aside from the fact they're all gorgeous, athletic and "manicured from head to toe."

The easiest of them to "cast" was Rachel because as I was writing her description, one person immediately jumped to mind, seeing as "Suckerpunch" became one of my favorite movies last year.

No sooner did I type "auburn pixie cut" did I think about the character, Rocket, played by Jena Malone.

By the by, Marcie, Bonnie and Rachel were three perfectly random girls' names. None of them were picked out for any specific reason.

Bonnie, I could only think of a platinum blonde, but any other shade of blonde would be fine. She was the least strong personality and attitude, the most likely the shyest of the three girls. She also happens to be the most talented and athletic, but very unassuming of her abilities.
Ashlee Simpson seemed to fit the bill perfectly.

Marcie, of the three girls, is the most outspoken. She also happens to be the one most wonderstruck by Jonas's "mysterious" persona. I had in mind shoulder length or long dark hair, but blue eyes that have that particular awe and wonder look about them. Zooey Deschanel felt like a good choice because of the great hair and the eyes set her apart, but for all intensive purposes, she's just the archetype of what I have in mind (she's already 30). Ashley Greene, who I know as Alice Cullen from the Twilight films also fits the bill as far as her personality goes. The only thing missing are her eyes standing out, but I think I can work with that.

Naturally, the most important casting points are Jonas and Nina. My baseline requirements for Jonas are going to make for the most difficult, intensive casting call of any of the characters. He absolutely must have those pale blue eyes or else the whole persona falls apart.
Here's the predicament I'm in, though: I've found an example of the perfect eyes that Jonas must have. The only thing is that Asa Butterfield, the star of the movie "Hugo", although he is 14 ( Jonas's age, I'm aiming for 14/15, high school freshman), he looks too young to play the part just yet. I'll keep an eye on him over the next couple years (the success of "Hugo" will likely gurantee that the offers start coming in). Another tricky thing is that I haven't actually seen the movie so I don't know if he has quite the right personality to pull it off.

Nina has very baseline requirements as far as what she looks like. I have down "rich blonde hair" that's roughly shoulder-length and hazel eyes. She's unassuming at first, but she has to have a warm, welcoming personality, especially when it comes to Jonas. I'd been considering my current idea of a casting choice for a month or two and at the moment, I think it's going to stand.
Taylor Swift would be perfect for the part, so long as she has bangs and her hair is straightened. The only thing is that her personality needs to be closer to her own than to the character she played in "Valentine's Day," the ditzy cheerleader type (she was actually on the dance team in that movie, not a cheerleader), and Nina is a little more of a tomboy, which Taylor really isn't.

At the moment, I'm highly considering sending Taylor a fanletter, telling her about what I am to do with my story. Even though it might be as long as a decade away from even being considered for becoming a movie, I'd like to put the idea out there. She's such a romantic in her lyrics and has such a strong opinion about the idea of love. I doubt few other people would get this idea as much as I do.
It certainly couldn't hurt.

Mai is the last person I wanted to put some thought to casting simply because this is as far as I'd gotten in my rehashing of my story, rewriting chapters and such. Corey and Eric are still in a little need of investigation, although I did have someone picked out to play Eric a couple years back. He played Marissa's friend Johnny on "The O.C." and was only around for a season before, I believe, he killed himself (Johnny, not the guy who played him).

She's a tough call because at the time, I was into the animé "Yu-Gi-Oh!" and Mai Valentine was a strong voice in my head. This is thanks in part to the fact the character Lin in "Spirited Away" had a very similiar attitude, similiar voice (courtesy of Susan Egan, who did the voice for Megera in Disney's "Hercules") and Mai's impression of Jonas was directly influenced by Lin's attitude towards Haku, the final puzzle piece missing for my character sketch of Jonas (which has been marinating in my head for a couple months).
Just as my love for the show "New Girl" had me thinking of Zooey Deschanel for Marcie, my love for the show "2 Broke Girls" has me thinking more and more that Kat Dennings has a lot of attributes that I see in Mai. In fact, she would be perfect to play the role of the gossip queen/head cheerleader except for two things:
Mai is blonde. And I'd actually be willing to go the extra mile by having Kat Dennings with blonde hair or a wig, except for another fact.

Kat Dennings plays Max in the series, a girl who is more than a little rough around the edges with somewhat of a sick sense of humor. I love her to death, but I think that she might be a little too hardcore to play this part. Mai comes off very strong in places, but not nearly as strong as Max.
The one thing that Kat Dennings has going for her is that she is the perfect body type for Mai, lots of curves and particularly her bigger than average cup size.
I realize that in the animé, Mai Valentine being large-chested was part of an inside joke, the Japanese being pretty huge in their animation about exaggerating things like that. But somehow, that attribute stuck with me over the years.

So supposing there's someone out there that has this perfect body type for my charater, she's going to need just the right attitude. She has to be a little snobbish, believing she knows everything about everyone, but as time goes on and in times that count, she can be a generous, caring individual. Let's just say that her snobbish attitude might just be part of an act she's playing.
The other person that came to mind was Autumn Reeser, who I also knew from "The O.C." She played Taylor, who had this rich girl, stuck-up attitude in the first season she was in. I believe the storyline started at the beginning of that season. Marissa and Ryan got into trouble with his brother, Trey. I believe Trey was seducing and trying to overpower Marissa, Ryan came to the rescue and in self-defense, Marissa shot Trey (who lived). But the school board (one member was Taylor's mom) wanted to expel Ryan and Marissa from the district because of the incident. Ryan was allowed to stay, but Marissa had to mainstream into public school. Taylor was very adament about Ryan and Marissa not returning to the high school, but after a couple episodes and after Marissa dies, Taylor and Ryan start to get into a relationship.

Long story short, Taylor starts out with one attitude, but as time goes by, she becomes very sweet, which seems perfect for this part.

One of these days, I ought to take a lot of profile spots of these actors and put them together into a collage so I can display them on this site.

There are maybe a handful of characters I need to cast.
Corey, Eric and the members of their garage band
Jonas's "uncle," Peter Bronson
(Voice-over only)- the iguana/dragon Sparky
(Voice-over only) the horses/pegasuses Windy, Thunder and Rain
Raye/Raven, the descendant/reincarnation of Nightariel, the foe Jonaseriah must defeat [again] towards the end of the story.

There are several actors who I loved watching and that I would love to cast for this movie, that may/may not ever happen because it depends on it actually getting published and, you know, becoming enough of a success.

A couple of my current favorite actors or just people I loved from different movies and shows, there just isn't anything that caters to them in particular. I'm pretty much limiting myself to mostly young actors because its in a high school setting.

Emma Stone, Rachel Bilson, Emily Browning, Nina Dobrev, and Emma Watson are just a handful of names of girls I'd love to cast in some role in this movie, but what I've seen of their work, there's nothing that really reflects what I'd seen them do. Emma Stone is fantastic in what she does, especially as Olive Pendergastt in "Easy A," but nothing in my characters is a pefect fit.
The same goes with Rachel Bilson and I'd have to add Mischa Barton to the list as well. They were great in their roles in "The O.C.," but I think Rachel is a little too strong a personality for anything I have in mind.
Actually, now that I think about it, Alexis Beidel would be another candidate to play Marcie. She'd be great. I just got to thinking of her because I was going to make a comment about Blake Lively not being someone I would cast for this. Of all the sisters of the "Traveling Pants," Blake Lively played the only character I couldn't relate to at all. In fact, I really didn't like her very much. She's hot right now because of the success of "Gossip Girl."
Conversely, I love the girl who played Joan of Arcadia, who I oddly... Amber Tamblyn. She's got a great spirit and in the "Sisterhood" movies she has a great attitude, but I can't see her playing any of my characters.

There's an even greater list of guys that I am crazy about, but they aren't quite right for any of the characters.
I'm starting to think that Ricky Ullman, or someone like him, might be a good candidate for Corey. He has that easy going attitude about him that I'd seen in a couple of his roles.
Jesse McCartney, who is my favorite singer, I'd love to cast him in one of the roles, but he might be more of a ringer for Eric than Corey... and I'd hate to see him get the short end of the stick. That idea is still up in the air at the moment.
Logan Lerman, who played Percy Jackson in the film adaptation of "The Lightning Thief" might be another candidate to play Corey.

As for Eric, the two things I wrote about him was that he had red hair (something that might be a little difficult to work with) and dark blue eyes (the exact opposite of what Jonas has). In my rehashing of his character in the sequel, making him more central to the plot, I kept going back to Eric Dill, the [now former] lead singer of The Click Five... who started to become more and more of an influence of Corey and Eric's band. I'm not entirely sure that his easy-going personality would work with what I have in mind for Eric, as he is in the story I'd been working on. He becomes an antagonist, but only for a short period of time.

Adam Brody, Chris Carmack and Ben McKenzie are a little old to be playing anything in this and their presence in "The O.C." doesn't really equal anything I have in mind for my story. Yeah, I'm a huge "O.C." fan and still am 5 years after the show ended.
Chris Carmack played Luke, Marissa's boyfriend at the beginning of the series. He gave Ryan a pretty rude welcome at his first party while in Newport. He's the kind of guy who liked to fight all the time. It takes a while for Eric to be set off one way or another, but he's a bit of a flirt, a bit of a rich boy type. Supposing he was a red-head and 10 years younger, Chris Carmack might have worked out well.
And long story short, Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) is a one of a kind character that I couldn't rewrite for my own needs even if I tried.

I've named Ashley Greene from the Twi-cast, but nobody else really fits anywhere. I'd pick Nikki Reed, who played Rosalie, for Mai, but I think the blonde hair is something that wouldn't work out. I read somewhere that her hair started falling out when she was dying it, so she started wearing wigs instead of going through the hassle.
I'd have to see more of Jackson Rathbone's work before I consider him for anything at all, but he is a possibility, as far as getting a character profile. Kellen Lutz, he's a little too muscular for anything I have in mind and a little too easy-going for any of my guy roles.

In the long run, Kristen Stewart might be one of my early choices for Raye/Raven. Deep down, I think she might be capable for a helluva mean streak and this character is already pretty emo as it is, she might be just perfect enough for the part.

Peter Bronson is the only adult character I'm going to spend a large amount of time considering who'd be good to play him. He's a very understanding and accomodating individual who supports Jonas no matter what's at stake. Plus, he's very unassuming about a lot of things, which has me wondering if he knows more than he's letting on.
Keeping those adjectives in mind, Peter Gallagher might be an early choice, since he becomes that type of person to Ryan when he first arrives in Newport. Yep, "O.C." again.

There is a plethora of really talented actors out there right now, people that I'd love to consider for any role in this movie. The only thing is that nothing I'd written matches their description so well that I'd want to go through hell and high-water to make it happen.

There are at least four voiceovers that must be there to make this work. Two of them get a lot of "airtime"and the other two only have a couple of lines between them.

In his previous life before his demise, Jonaseriah used his power to allow two of the five mythical creatures the ability of human speech: the pegasus of Thunder and the dragon representing Lightning.
Later on, after Jonas gets more of a hang of his powers, Rain and Windy are able to speak as well. (Scorch, the fire dragon, doesn't get this luxury because he chose to reside in darkness with Nightariel).
Shoot, now that I think about it, Thunder and Rain's foal Cirrus has a couple lines as well.

I don't really have anyone specific for any of the creatures of yet, nor do I have any particular personalties hashed out.

Thunder and Sparky will prove to be the most difficult. All I can say is that any actor between the age of 30 and 55 would be open for consideration. Both have somewhat of an authority in their voice, but I'm not sure at the moment if either one of them has a super strong personality.
I'm thinking that Viggo Mortenson (Aargon from the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy) might be good for Thunder.

Cirrus, I don't have as much more than having a young boy's voice in the 2-3 lines of dialogue he has, which is probably open to anyone. I doubt I'm going to come up with the perfect voice on my own.

Rain and Windy are a little more defined. Rain is the oldest of the three. Maternal describes her, both because Cirrus is her new foal and she feels that way towards Jonas because she'd known him the longest and had seen him grow up in his self-imposed isolation. For some reason, maybe its because she'll be on tomorrow's "Ellen" and all the hoopla about her new movie "The Iron Lady," Meryl Streep is coming to mind for me.
Windy is a little bit of a flirt, as if in a past life, she was a goddess that was infatuated with Jonas (which of course doesn't really have a place in the universe I'd created). She's the youngest of the three horses. Now that I'd brought up Meryl Streep for Rain, Amy Adams might be an ideal choice. Originally, I was thinking along the lines of the girl who played Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter films.

Naturally a few actors that are hot right now include George Clooney, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt, but none of their voices offers anything distinct. And heck, George Clooney might be a little too high-profile for the role of Peter Bronson. I sure as heck could try, but I doubt he'd be exactly right for the part.

And regarding my current favorite actor right now, I am simply at a loss. Unless I give him something edgy like doing the voiceover for Sparky, I'm kinda out of luck.

Of course there's a part of me that has these casting choices in mind because I'm in this phase of just loving everything celebrity and Hollywood related (barring any reality stars that are just there because they look good and rich, but really don't have any talent. i.e. Karashians, Jersey Shore, etc.).
And secretly, well not so secretly now, I have in mind that supposing I get published and such a success blossoms that a movie deal comes about, I'd have to be on set to approve of a lot of things, my work being handled the right way. Ultimately that would mean having the chance to mingle with these celebrities or at least opening doors and pathways via the 4 degrees of separation to access the A-listers.

At the current moment, it is my not-so-secret ambition to get the opportunity to simply sit down with Robert Downey Jr. and just discuss movies with him.

But who I'm kidding?

I went through it in my head a number of times when I first started considering putting the faces of celebrities to my characters. Even if he was 25 years younger and much more stable as a young person, Robert simply wouldn't fit as any of my characters. Corey would be a LONG shot, but supposing I was going for the big names, I'd consider him for that role. Nah, Andrew McCarthy would be a much better fit for Corey.

I'd considered him playing the role of Peter Bronson, but I can't imagine him of all people being that easy going about all of the crazyness that is in Jonas's life.

Sometimes you gotta dream big, but I tend to be more realistic these days than I am optimistic.

But, barring all impossibilities, I'd like to have people in mind or at least appearances in mind, just in case.

Hmm... I hope this doesn't come off as me having motives. Mr. Downey said that motives are a big turn-off for him.

Damage Control- Chapter 3

It's been a while since I wrote anything for this blog regarding the story I'd been trying to publish forever. Every chance I get, I try to seek out an agent willing to represent me, but at the end of each run, I found myself in editing for a long time. This time has lasted a lot longer than I would have liked. I'd hardly gotten anything done and unless I manage to finish going through each chapter, rehashing them and whatnot within the next couple months, I feel like I'll never get a chance.
Well, they say that it's never too late for dreams to be realized, but in all seriousness, this is all I've really wanted to do. Writing fiction. The things I've written about have changed over the years. Recently, I'd been working out of romantasy land and going more for your typical young adult coming-of-age stories where friendship seems to be a reoccurring theme. There's no magic, no mythical creatures or good and evil. It's just a couple of people, one of them has a problem they have to solve and the other helps them through it. But these are some very real issues I'm addressing, aside from my run-of-the-mill story about a protagonist gaining confidence in themselves to achieve their main objective. The first story was about two girls, one was a leukemia patient and the other is the peripheral narrator (in the same school of thought as Nick Carraway of "The Great Gatsby") that helps her through it. The second story about the same narrator, but she's given an assignment to work her "bed-side manner" skills with a recovering drug addict who thinks everyone else has given up on him.

I'd been working so much on my other blog, which is pretty much repeating the same old nonsense every day. [fill in the blank] is awesome at what s/he does best, etc, etc. I have little that defines me aside from my celebrity and musical interests. Then there are times like with Jonas where I'm just crazy enough to believe I'll achieve something like so many other young adult sci-fi/fantasy writers have.

I've found myself in a pretty difficult place as of late. I'm in more of a hurry in trying to figure out how Jonas interacts with different characters, particularly hashing out his relationship with Mai, the gossip queen who has yet to figure anything about him. When he's with Nina, he makes light of the situation, but I will reveal in a couple chapters' time that Jonas really took issue with the rumors that weren't even close to hitting the mark.
One thing is for certain: Jonas is a different person with Nina than anyone else. Sometimes, especially lately, I consider that maybe he puts on an act for everyone else. Perhaps he might even be acting for Nina too, in essence that he pretends some things don't bother him when in fact they'd be working him over for years.

Geesh, I'm going to freak out every time the phone rings the next couple days. I'm somewhat expecting a call back about a part-time lab position at the local community college, something that I seem to be dreading now more than welcoming. When I got there for the interview, it seems that there was more to it than I ever bargained for. I really hate telephones sometimes.

Maybe I ought to make another conversation regarding some of these what-ifs. In the next chapter, Nina meets Jonas's guardian and learns a little more about the relationship they have. It's stable, but there are some rocky moments, particularly when Jonas showcases how sensitive he is about the fact he doesn't know what happened to his parents. Then as they head out to the stables, he just skates past the issue and puts his focus and attention on his three horses, the closest things he has to friends.
Nina isn't the type of person to press issues like that, but as I think about the way the next chapter runs, I have myself asking a lot of questions that amount to "why don't you want to talk about it"... then again, she does tell him that it doesn't matter what his background is and he has her complete support.
One thing I do kinda notice is that Nina is a little concerned about Jonas's home situation, which is a little odd for a high school freshman... that somewhat entails that she'd known a couple of people in her hometown that came from broken homes, maybe even one of her best friends (Wendy, Morgan or Brittany) was someone she had to help through some difficult times. It's like that questionnaire question I keep seeing these applications: when times are hard, your friends call you first

But this is about Chapter 3, this entry.
I went back to it for the first time since I quote/unquote "finished" it. The info says that it was last modified in November, so it's been close to two months. I've been questioning a lot of things about what I did in the chapter that I finally decided to go through it again.

Initially when I started the rewrites (for at least the 5th/6th time), I was afraid people would read my story and not "get" Jonas the way I did. I wrote a lot to somewhat solidify my view of him, shared by Nina (or otherwise, the story wouldn't go as well as it does). I proceeded to make one too many mistakes I simply couldn't overlook. Using the conveniences of Word, I red-"inked" a lot of superfluous language that really didn't need to be in there. One thing I tend to do A LOT is to make my protagonists a little too self-aware. Meaning that when I wrote the words connecting to the dialogue, giving them somewhat of a clairvoyance... meaning that the narration is saying what a character is thinking/feeling as if it could see into their minds. I can't really have that happening because, why else have a third-party narrator? It somewhat defeats the purpose and it allows the reader less imagination to really see the characters for what they are. I'd love for them to share my view of Jonas, but I'd prefer them to come to it on their own than me having to tell them through superfluous language.

The other error I found myself making a bunch of times was simply, I had to cut down my dialogue a little bit. The characters were sounding less like characters and more than an extension of my narration. You know the old saying "less is more." I found myself more at issue with Jonas saying a little too much, things that had less merit in this part of the story. The reason I found him so alluring and enchanting to begin with, as I did my inspirations for him, was that I knew very little about him and Nina knew very little. The magic is gone if he says a little too much or there's a little too much evidence supporting my position on him. That magic has to be there for my story to work or else I simply won't want to work on it anymore.

There are maybe two sections in this chapter I don't care too much for or am a little on edge about them being in there. Someone noted the lack of transition between the lunch room conversation and the one that takes place in Nina's yard. In between that, I wrote a little dialogue for Nina and her friends as well as the fact Nina had homework to do... which she got done with quicker than she expected. One might ask "why the hell was that in the story"... there needed to be a transition and I'm a little too set in my ways to want to start a completely new chapter just for the second conversation that takes place.
The other thing, which I'm a little on edge about, is the fact Jonas openly confesses (in the best way he can) that he can read minds. Mind you, this is long between Edward Cullen even existed, so I'm really hoping nobody comes after me and says I'm stealing... not that anyone would care that I'd be stealing anything from "Twilight." The majority of the readers' community believes that its more or less worthless or simply an act against conventions, etc, etc.

Yet my take on this issue is very similar to something Stephenie Meyer said regarding Edward and Jacob. Edward couldn't openly tell Bella that he was a vampire so Jacob was created initally as a vehicle to deliver that bit of information to Bella. That confession is against Edward's character so someone else had to take care of that for him.

I don't know, maybe it does work in my case. Edward spent his eternal life denying and fighting against what he had become and his family is apt to secrecy of their true existence. That makes sense in his case.
Jonas, on the other hand, had also spent a great deal of his life denying what he's truly like. He keeps himself away from people because he doesn't know if he'll lose control of these unusual powers he'd been gifted with. Why is Jonas psychic? It was a damn good excuse for him to want to keep to himself, much better than my reasons... honest to God shyness. Plus I'd always found the idea of a psychic to be an intriguing one, the ability to read minds and use telekinesis. It's still something that kinda fascinates me to this day.

Here's the deal: Jonas has kept to himself for years. Only his "uncle" (for all intensive purposes) and his animal companions know about his secret. All the teachers and personnel at the school really know is that he has prone to regular absences during the rainy season. I haven't quite worked out if they know that he gets struck by lightening, which can leave him in a coma for a couple days at a time. Despite all of that, he manages to maintain straight A's... go figure. No wonder Mai's so interested in knowing more about him with the stuff he's gotten away with.

The only thing that doesn't quite make sense there is that, well... at school, there are group activities all the time. I seem to be putting myself, as the writer, under the impression that Jonas surpassed all group activities for whatever reason. It's probable that, oddly enough, his "sick" days took place during these group sessions, but as I remember it, group activities were somewhat of a regular thing, at least once a week. Anyone else would have been pressured or forced into becoming part of a group. I know I was, lol
I still have a few things to figure out on that.

But... Jonas hides what he is from people, but does that mean he's accepted that he's potentially a liability to anyone who gets too close to him? I think he has accepted his self-imposed solitude/exile/isolation. Despite all of the safeguards he's surrounded himself with for these years, they're a non-issue when it comes to Nina. For whatever reason (which I discern later to the fact they are literally soulmates and part of him that was missing [somehow] when he was born again is within her), he founds solace in Nina's very presence, so he's much more comfortable with himself around him.
Inevitably, I find the saving grace in the situation, despite my belief that maybe it's against his character to do so, is that once Jonas and Nina are alone, only then does he start confessing all of these secrets to her. He only can reveal his true self, his true disposition when he knows that nobody else is watching. Ultimately, that keeps the mystery of him and rumors about him going... at least until a couple other things go down.

Going into this latest round of rewrites, I wanted to be sure to do a little more character development on everyone else but the main protagonists. But sometimes I found myself wondering what kind of person Nina was before she met Jonas. Her support for him suggests that she'd be the rock for a lot of people she'd befriended over the years, she's noted for being a good listener. Hmm... she seems to be a less high-strung, less dramatic version of my peripheral narrator, Casey Carlton, who definitely shows those colors in the last story I wrote about her and the recovering drug addict.

Jonas is very much hashed out at this point and I only need to work on his relationships with some of the other main characters.
Nina is always going to be on the table regarding adding more to her character, just to make her a little less generic, although my goal was to make her relatable to the girls reading the story. I more or less spent the first chapter working on her character.
Chapter 2 was about getting to know Mai and her friends. Bonnie, Marcie and Rachel have gotten defined a little bit more this time around. What I originally had in mind were three girls that were like Mai's loyal followers with no defining characteristics; much like in one of my animé where the heroine has three girlfriends that all look very similar (the school uniforms and the black hair shared by all of them helps boost the allusion).

Well, I lost maybe 200 words in this last rehash, but I do feel a lot better after taking care of some of the details. Maybe later today I can finally get around to working on Chapter 4.
But sometime today, pending a important phone call, I might be able to find time to rewatch my greatest source of inspiration for this story: Miyazaki's "Spirited Away"
Hopefully it doesn't follow the trend of a previous incident and after enjoying the movie, I get the phone call and it kills my whole mood.
That happened a number of years ago during my first spring semester of college. I'd been IMing this guy from my school I met through Facebook. He called off our time to meet, I watched the movie and he asked if I was up for it. It turned out to be one of the worst nights of my life. It's part of the reason it took me a while to write that semester... it was so difficult to believe in the relationships I was writing about when I couldn't even find comfort in being alone with one person. But then again, it was the first/only time we met in person, going to his apartment, so it'd be enough to rattle anyone who doesn't do that often.
And for the record, nothing happened. I'm just being a drama queen about a pretty regular, every day situation. I'm just not the type of person who likes to be in close promixity with another person I'd only just met in person a couple minutes previous.

Yep, years later and I'm still not over that.

Selling a romantic on a fantasy/romance novel

I'd been all kinds of up and down on my writer's blog. I don't think a lot of it is going to go on to its intended purpose, making me look bad instead of good.
This place was meant for self-promotion and all it tends to do is bring me down.

But I've got a twisted way to putting a twist on an attempt to get this story across to more people.

I have someone in mind that one day, I might send this pitch to, just to get her thoughts on the whole idea. I wrote this way back when during a time when I believed in love, wanted love and went out of my way to write about it coming true. I'd had my fair share of unrequited love in high school.

As far as Jonas is concerned, the only part of him that belonged to that unrequited love was his eyes. For maybe, let's see September to March, about 6-7 months, I sat lunch across from this guy I had the hugest crush on. He wasn't your typical guy that any girl would find herself attracted to. His kindness, I interpreted as being something else entirely. But again, in the words of Justin Long "if a guy wants a girl, he will make it happen."
"David" never made it happen. I thought there was a reason why he insisted he and his gang hung out at my lunch table. He didn't want to hurt my feelings, assuming I'd interpret them moving to another table as something to do with me. Instead, the bunch of them stuck around. I hardly got a word out, nor did I really want to. I was too preoccupied with the hilarity of boys being boys.
But with "David," his eyes stood out for me and for the longest time, they were all I could think about. I wrote dozens of poems about what I saw when I looked into them. They were a pale blue unlike anything I'd ever seen.

At the same time, I was trying to get a story together. I entertained the idea of this fantastic epic where elements like fire, lightning, wind and water had importance, where there was this ancient tale of good verus evil, where there were mystical creatures. I wanted to combine all of that into this story, but nothing quite came together.
A few elements started to make their mark on me. Things I was experiencing, things I saw. The good versus evil was something that Harry Potter was the final thing to start to impress on my head. A lot of fantasy-driven stories had that struggle because good vs. evil goes back to the very beginning of time.

Then there was the romance of it all. I didn't expect any of that to come about. I think what started to do it for me was the Miyazaki film "Spirited Away." Initially, I was pissed off that it won the Oscar for Best Animated Picture when I had seen and heard of every other nominees. I had to see what the fuss was about and perhaps wanted to disprove it was worthy of winning the prestigious award.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
That movie presented an entirely different world, something I scarcely imagine in my dizziest daydreams. A few things that hit home for me were the characters, how memorable a couple of them were. One of them turned out to be the finishing piece to the puzzle of my hero

So that afternoon after watching the movie, I wrote the prologue. An angel comes down from heaven to defeat this being of evil and the elements manifest in mythical creatures that reincarnate him into his next life. You always have to leave that pretense: in the even that evil should return.

I started to have a little something to go on after that, but I didn't plan any of it to come together the way it did. I was writing and it all happened the way that it did. Bits and pieces of details showed what was in my mind at that time. High school was a nature setting for a lot of it to take place. One of the characters, she was in my head from another show I was watching at the time. And the name Nina was just a name I loved. I didn't have much in my head except that she was the new girl, and she was blonde with brown eyes.

The last thing I thought I'd put in the story was a love story, or what would become a love story. I didn't know what Jonas was going to be like until I started writing. An undeniable impression I had in the movie was that the boy who befriends Chihiro is good, even though he has this reputation and a girl that takes her under her wing says he's bad news. I didn't doubt it for a second. Maybe it's because I'm a little too trusting of people or rely a lot on first impressions. He went out of his way to help Chihiro get into the bath house, how could he possibly be bad? As it turned out, Haku was under a spell made easier because he couldn't remember his name.

I started writing about love a year ago today. I'd been doing it ever since. Strange as it may seem, I've never been in love. Not actual love. I don't believe love is true unless it is returned and made equal between two people. When I was 13, I saw love a lot differently than I do now. A lot of other elements are in my head these days and the thing about finding a place in this world is among the biggest themes I'd worked with lately. No matter how tiring and pointless it is, it's the truth for me right now.

I drew on love from an unconventional source in a time of isolation. I was recovering from surgery and wouldn't return to school for a couple months. Not that I needed to be around people to thrive, that year I made a couple of good friends I got very close with. But the theme became that deep down, I wanted love and that love to be felt on both sides, so I wrote about having an imaginary boyfriend who loved in another world. Long story.

I used to think I needed love to feel complete, to just feel normal. If someone loved me for me, thought I was prettier than all the other girls, that justified that I was worth something to somebody. It's a complicated thing to explain when you don't have any experience with it in real life and without making it sound like you're living out a Greek tragedy. I always worry about saying the wrong thing and having someone interpret it to the point they look at me differently, as if there's something wrong with me or they don't want to provoke me.

I felt like there was something missing in my life that kept me from feeling whole. I thought that missing thing was love or having someone see me as more than I saw myself. It was often the case that the prettiest girls got the cute guys and popularity, both things that anyone would want in high school.

What began between Jonas and Nina was friendship. He chose to spend his days alone because he didn't want certain things about him becoming well known by his peers. It was easier to cut himself off from everyone else than to risk being cut off for being himself.
If whoever reads this wonders what Nina was like before Jonas... What were her hopes and dreams? What did she and her friends like to do together? I never gave full thought to putting her together as a character. She was just a person whose eyes we saw Jonas through. She saw him as being a good person that was misunderstood and there was more than meets the eye. She's good-natured and likes to believe the best in people. This is shown a little bit when she turns down a guy who expresses his interest in her because she's interested in someone else.

I didn't even imagine it becoming a love story. It was just a friendship Jonas really needed in his life. He might deny it, but for years, he'd wanted acceptence from at least one of his peers. As luck should have it, it was the new girl who could have a fresh opinion on him without being influenced by the gossip. She sticks by her convictions and beliefs. Even after hearing her new friends going on about why Jonas isn't normal, that doesn't deter her from wanting to get to know him. He did, after all, save her from a world of embarassment after she bumps into him, an incident that leaves her temporarily blind and uncoordinated.

When it comes to love, it's always going to be the thing I dream about having come true, something to strive for. But these days, I don't care whether or not I find it right away. I just don't want it to be in control of my life. I don't want to feel like I did in high school, that I needed a boyfriend's acceptence for me to be cool with myself.

The love that blossoms between Nina and Jonas is like this. He has been alone for a long time, never felt he needed anybody. But when he meets Nina, so much changes in him. He feels more confident with his peers, able to make friends and relate to people more than he ever had. With that confidence, he starts to rediscover his past life, a destiny he must fulfill later on in the story. Nina knows that Jonas is extraordinary and begins to discover why she got that vibe from him. In Nina, he finds acceptence, someone he considers his equal and someone he would give his life for. A little melodramatic for a 14-year old boy, but what the hell, it's a fantasy/romance... I'm a sucker for that sort of thing.

But what does she get out of his friendship? It's hard to really say at this point. I never really thought about it. She gets the satisfication about helping someone overcome their hindrances, their fears. She knows he has a lot to offer and wants him to feel free to live the life he wants to.
In a twisted sort of way, his story is something like my own, but I didn't go to such extremes to avoid people the way he did. All it takes is the trust and friendship of another person and so many doors can open.

I'm not sure if this came out right, but that's somewhat of the angle I was going for.

As far as the idea of the relationship goes, my mind is dwelling on unknown territory these days, having more to do with what happens behind closed bedroom doors. It took me a long time, but my 25-year old mind started to get curious. I don't think I'd be comfortable with anyone seeing what I'd written about THAT yet, but it isn't super obscene or profane to that extreme, promise.
But with love, I see it as one person meeting another and they recognize a piece of themselves in that other person. They were a complete person before them, but after they meet, they can't imagine being apart, as if something inside clicked. As if you were put on this earth specifically for that other person. And certainly I don't believe love is something you need to have in your life to fill a hole within yourself. If you go into things with that in mind, you're going to end up getting hurt. You have love yourself first before you can let anyone else in.

My story kinda disproves that case, but whatever, my characters in high school, real-life details don't apply.

Sparks fly whenever you smile, Taylor Swift

Last night was interesting to say the least. I went upstairs after watching the Giants beat the Cowboys in stunning fashion. Watched some animé and wrote 2 sentences for my story that I'll either call "Back to December" or "Blue Christmas." I've been adding a chapter every day this month until Saturday night when I was simply too tired (and then some thanks to a Christmas party we were at) I could have stayed up for ages working the next chapter when mentally, I wasn't up for it.

I like to believe sometimes that things happen for a reason and wouldn't break the same way if even the slightest detail changed.

I'm a big dreamer and that is also relevant to nighttime in dreamland. I write the more intriguing dreams down, the ones that beg for interpretation. But I have an entire document devoted to celebrity encounters. They got so frequent with specific individuals that they all have their own sections (roman numerals).
Although "encounters" might be too broad a denomination, I'm not always in these dreams.

The best of them come out of nowhere, are unexpected (well that's kinda the same thing really), and to the last detail, they are finite and so realistic that it felt like it was actually happening to me.

To the best of my knowledge, as it's been at least a good 2-3 hours since I woke up from the dream, this is a recollection of it. I figured it needed a blogger's touch and a lot more room to spin the yarn than just my Facebook status.

"Sparks fly whenever you smile, [Taylor Swift]."

I'm going with my mom and a couple relatives to a mall. They're holding auditions for The X-Factor and we wanted to come watch. We go into this large room. When you first enter, you see rows and rows of chairs for the people waiting. At the front of the these chairs is a table lined against the way with doors behind it, which I suspect go backstage or into individual dressing rooms. I believe I got wind that Taylor Swift was going to be there and that's why I came. No sign of her as of yet.
Little by little, rows of people are called a bit at a time to audition. I think the tables in the front are for registeration. After they're told to go, they go to the other end of the room, which is south-east from the waiting chairs (facing forward).

[already, I already kinda know that some things aren't exactly in order as they should be. First of all, who goes to X-factor auditions just to watch?]
I'm not sure why I was there, really. I was asked once or twice by people near me and my folks if I wanted to audition for the groups category. A bundle of nerves, I decide not to audition, but all the while, I keep telling myself, even demanding to myself that there's nothing to be nervous about, I don't need to be nervous.

[also wanted to clarify... these are "X-Factor" auditions? They look like American Idol auditions where they are doing the pre-lims... you know, like how they weed out people to see who's good enough (or bad enough) to make the live shows... and with "X-Factor", auditions are in a huge arena with a stage & audience.]
Most likely, there are at least 4-5 stands/set-ups for people to sing to judges before they're allowed to continue with the auditon process.

I'm not sure how much time passes, but I believe it's 2-3 hours later.

Flash-foward, we're in the parking lot, heading back to the car. I say aloud that I didn't get a chance to see Taylor . Someone in our party then asks if I want to go back to see if I can catch a glimpse of her. I agree and we start to rush back

[again, I kinda wonder why Taylor was there in the first place. Was she a guest judge, was she performing or just around the area?]

We go back to first room. Everyone's packing it in, a lot of the chairs are gone and the only people around are the stage crew. I take a deep breath and head to the registeration table. I don't know what came over me. My mind thought that this was something that could work very well. It happens in all the movies, moments like these.

I go see the people by the table. They all look at me, maybe 2-3 people. Then I start singing in an almost flawless imitation of Taylor Swift's song "Sparks Fly" which I had actually recorded myself singing to post on YouTube. I go through the first verse, everyone's looking my way, almost in shock. I think they think I sound really good or a lot like her. [I think earlier on in the dream, I was thinking about maybe an audition song, should I ever get the guts to try out for the shows in real life... although I consider Maroon 5 and that I sing to blend in to the records, this is the song I ended up picking]

As the chorus starts to kick in, a door behind the tables open. Taylor Swift emerges with her hair straightened, in civvy-like clothes. They're sweats, definitely not what she would wear onstage for her concerts. She's holding a few items, books.
She turns my way as I start singing "cuz I see sparks fly whenever you smile." I point at her on "you" and make my hands form a heart the way she often does in her shows (something she frequently does along with writing 13 on her hand every night). I change the one lyric from "green eyes" to her "blue eyes."

She smiles back at me, almost overcome with happiness and before I can finish that line, she throws her arms around me and I have to stop singing.
I believe she said that she was really touched by what I sang to her.

[but seriously, it was like something out of a movie. I start singing and that gets her attention and she emerges out of nowhere just to hear me sing... and to think, this would have been like several dreams before this where I'm elsewhere and don't return to the scene to see the celebrity I know is hovering around my subconscious... this time, I turn back and it pays off BIG time]

I ask her to sign an autograph, but it takes a while to find a random piece of paper. Then I ask to have a few pictures. She poses, but for whatever reason, she's kinda goofing around a bit and they don't come out very still or very clear. I ask my mom to take a picture of the two of us and all of these mascots come out of nowhere (kinda similar to the mascots from the KIA commericals, she called them in) and I don't think any of the pictures come out.

I think this is definitely something I could write a short story about to really give this the extra oomph that it needs. But all I can just say is WOW...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_ZOBhV7J7k
and all those interested, here's the YouTube video of me singing that song that I posted a good 2-3 monthsa go. It isn't the greatest rendition, but whatever. It seemed like a good idea at the time

the funniest thing is that I had this dream that day before her birthday... which is December 13th. I didn't even realize/remember that right away until I looked on my Facebook newsfeed this morning

I want to "marry the night"

To subsidize lyrics from Lady Gaga, one of my many mentors and influences,

I want to marry the night
don't wanna give up on my life

I want to marry the night
I don't wanna cry anymore
leave nothing on these streets to explore

In an recent interview, she told Katie Couric that her song (and subject of her latest music video) is about giving herself entirely to her music, making it the number 1 thing in her life.

I wish nothing more right now than to bring forth advice handed down to the troubled students of Room 203 by Erin Gruwell (played by Hilary Swank in "Freedom Writers")...

every voice that says that 'you can't' is silenced

I wish I could silence all the voices of doubt in my head and the seeds planted by the people whose opinions I heed most of all.

I didn't grow up in a troubled household, troubled neighborhood. I have a lot of things others don't have. Someone once misinterprted me when I said that stories/movies about teachers influencing their students are something I get warm & fuzzy about, that I relate to...
they said that I don't need to be inspired because I sent a little time painting myself as "the golden child" in my household

Fine, that was my mistake to undermine my situation. I've said that being the oldest and showing that I can do great things if I put my mind to it, there's more pressure on me than my younger sister. It infuriates me that she isn't pushed nearly as much as I am to succeed.
I spent the first couple years of my education in special ed. I progressed, found my way out of it, and since then, I'd been mainstreamed into regular classes with everyone else.

There's pressure on me because I succeeded in college and brought home a B.S. degree with a 3.76 grade point average.
I am only as good as my grades. School is where I thrive, but in the real world, I never had a clue as to what my goals were, my lot in life. These are all things that I'd doubted, thought about over this year long period of unemployment

It really sucks feeling like you don't belong anywhere because nobody wants to hire you, no position caters to your skill-set (which isn't much more than the fact I know a lot about a variety of subjects, I'm good at math and I can write exceedingly well).
Whatever is out there, I have no experience to get into much of anything. And anything that doesn't require experience, I don't have the skill-set for. I don't have great conversation skills, I don't want to have to be phony in showing how pleasureable I am because who wants a reserved person serving them in the real world. The fact I have a college degree has a lot of people turning me down without so much as a phone call to say I'm not what they're looking for.

Writing was the only thing I'd really wanted to do, that I felt I could excel in since I was maybe 17... whenever I started writing original stories.
But as much as my family is in my corner, supports what I do and appreciates what I do in my writing, when it comes to going beyond the walls of my bedroom, it's all about what I can't do. I know my limitations in the real world because, let's face it, I'm not a great conversationalist. When my parents talk about me and occasionally show me off to their friends 'my daughter the marine biologist, the college graduate,' it makes me sick because that's not all that I am.

Again and again, I have been oppressed into believing I can't do what I love to do. 'There's no money in it.' Now, given my position, living at home and all that, that's not the big issue at the moment... but right now, all I really need is just to be given a chance to succeed doing what I love.
I need to somehow start forming connections in the writers' community. People to look at what I've written over the years and tell me what works and what doesn't. A second opinion is something I never really got from anyone with any pull in that area. And I know it's competitive. All of the agents that have rejected me tell me that in their rejection letters "as you are probably aware, this industry is very competitive."

It makes me really want to pull off some obscene gesture to show my disgust and that's not my personality at all. I'm not very argumentative and I try to avoid confrontation when at at all possible. Unless I'm writing my statement, I can't argue my way out of a paper bag. I fall apart because I'm just so overwhelmed by the opposition.

I want nothing more than for those voices of 'I can't' to be silenced. I want nothing more than my family to support my writing and actually going out of their way to say that I like to write and I write very well. Enough of being introduced as the college graduate or the marine biologist. I was told that I had to go to college to give myself a chance in this crazy world.
I was told to major in a scientific displicine because that's where the money is, that's where job security is. I was literally disbarred from even considering a creative writing major. It'd be the equalivant of "throwing my life away" in my parents' eyes. I know that's what they think even though they haven't exactly said those words.

My greatest fear at the moment is that... even if someone I applied to takes notice and gives me a paycheck on a regular basis, that's not going to be enough for me. I'm never going to be happy unless I'm doing what I love.
It sounds like a cop-out or that I'm crying out for help by saying this... but today of all days, my mind is getting into a pretty dark place. It's not exactly to the point of Martin Riggs from "Lethal Weapon," but I'm getting highly doubtful about my ability to succeed in the real world. I visit this place once every couple months. Ironically, this might be as a result of the winter/Christmas blues... the feelings are more intense this time of year for a reason. What's keeping me relatively sane is immersing myself in non-reality, bits and pieces of pop culture.

It's even stranger saying that Robert Downey Jr., perhaps not the greatest role model in the world given his rocky past, is both the reason I'm keeping sane and why I've been confronting my doubts on a regular basis. He got honest about himself and reached out to the point where it allowed him to heal and become the rare Hollywood success story that he is now.
More and more, I've embraced Lady Gaga as a life coach, mentor and role model. Her "Born this way" album has a couple of songs that I could identity with where they speak of creeds I could live by.

I should be happy with myself because I was "born this way."
I just want to be free, I just want to be me... I don't wanna change, I don't wanna be ashamed ("Hair")

a lot of her songs on this album, she wrote for her little monsters, a little something to give them strength because their support has given her strength

I know what I am through my writing. My characters occasionally get the opportunity to showcase my insecurities, my doubts. In times of trial, they question if they have skill or the power to accomplish their goals, which often includes keeping a loved one safe. However cliché that might be, it works for me.

I would write about this, about my non-activity, my non-believing in myself, but I wouldn't even know where to start.

As hard as it might be to believe, it's true:

I'm straight, I'm white, I have a great family that is comfortable in the middle-class and a lot of their resources have gone into my education, I'm a college graduate.

Even though I have all of that going for me, I'm still unhappy with myself and my situation.
It is possible to have everything and nothing at the same time.

I don't have to write it down a million times for me to truly believe that what I want more this year for Christmas is self-confidence, self-assurance and support from more people who are in a position to help me achieve goals. If not that, then people who have my back and help me towards a brighter future.