The more time that transpires, the more I start to believe that it's impossible to make a living as a writer.
Kind of a depressing notion when it's the only thing you're truly good at, enjoy and it seems a chore to try any more schooling... I mean it seems ridiculous to me to invest in all different kinds of courses and stuff, expand my horizons, when at the end of it, it still doesn't gurantee employment.
These are trying times... even more so for someone who doesn't know what they're meant to contribute to society that has self-esteem issues.
It's almost gotten to the point where my personality has transformed around other people. I'm lethargic (although it might just be that time of year) even with my coffee in the morning until maybe 11 (I get up around 9 and thats even hard)... my voice drops out, I cover eye contact entirely, I keep my sentences super short...
How can I put this... I like to do long winded yarns when I'm coming up to a point I'm really excited about and now its to the point where I just blabber a few things and thats it. I really should get to the points faster.... like this entry for instance.
I'm hoping that my movie blog helps get my words out there where it can reach a good number of people... help me reconnect with my friends and family a bit because who doesn't love movies?
(:-? one person comes to mind and its not that my friend Kirby doesnt like movies... his conversations are just all in reality, talking about sea life and all that, which he's about as avid about as I've become about pop culture and different actors & directors and stuff... he'll be hard to reach thru my blog... like I don't see him checking it all the time to see what the latest thing with me is... living for years with the belief you'll end up marrying your best friend sinks relationships... but its my fault really... whenever I did contact him, he'd try to give me advice about getting hired and stuff... almost like I'm allergic to news print or something)
I don't know what I'll do if that doesn't work. But I got to thinking the other day that for the sake of film franchises like Twilight (which is over now and all that... good times), I should strive to be the first major female film critic... cuz none of the men that reviewed these movies really respected the material... I don't care if its not the best writing in the world, slamming something because you didn't bother to do the research and all that... I can't abide, I'm sorry
And this was gonna be an entry about Jonas, believe it or not (right now I can't)...
On the radio I heard "All you Wanted" by Michelle Branch come on and I started to daydream... I started to sketch out a music video for it that had clips from my story accompanying it...
I'd fallen into the pitfall (we're going on months now) where I started rewrites because I got 10+ rejections... all from people that weren't interested in what I had to offer... SUCKSS...
honestly, guys... what part is so hard to get into?
The prologue that goes on for a couple pages?
The reincarnation backstory?
The fact my protagonist is a very reserved young man hiding the fact he has telekinetic powers and it takes a new girl to bring confidence out of him?
I know how I've said how his story deserves to see the light of day... but I honestly dont know what else I can do to make people understand that... I'm starting to not believe myself that my own writing is strong enough... I suppose I could send some old queries to a few new names that have come up, but I doubt that'll make a difference
It's insane, I know, I have my livelihood hell bent on getting one story published... as if that'd take care of everything instantly...
I really haven't felt any sort of REAL success since I got hired after my first interview... 2 years after getting fired for being a really shy introvert that has trouble asking for help and keeping pace... it sucks... it really does...
it's just hard sometimes to see any sort of light at the other end of the tunnel.
Jonas was my first ticket to a small fortune... right now I don't see a career happening as a YA romantasy writer... because nobody seems keen on getting even the first pages to read...
now I've got 2 other things I'm somewhat counting on... one's a work in progress that I'm at least a year away from finishing... and after that, supposing Prince doesn't sue me for wanting to write my interpretation of his work so non-fans can see that he's not nearly as taboo as they thought he was...
and then there's my movie blog... which I'm at least a couple weeks away from premiering (lol... I doubt this will make a difference to anyone but one person... but [sarcasm] circle December 8th on your calenders)
Hopefully either one of those will get something to happen for me as a writer...
too bad that romantasy thing hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to...
it won't stop me from going over my work and doing rewrites, but it's half-hearted at this point
I guess what I kinda wanted to try with Jonas is to do something different with the rewrites... keep it short and sweet this time, don't go too far into certain details... keep to the main points and see where that goes...
go thru my personal soundtrack and write the scenes that come to mind when I listen to them...
"All you wanted" is probably the most brilliant one I'll get out of this... I see it as the final epic battle between Jonas and his enemy from this past life... a duel... and flashbacks from the story will come to mind and I'll see where it goes from there...
maybe writing some musings from the eyes of the minor characters... don't worry about anything but dialogue... stuff that takes the pressure off that might help in the long run...
heck, write Jonas as a novella rather than making it this long story just so I fill out pages and pages...
that's sure to be interesting... assuming that I have my narrative or dialogue in the right direction
I'll see what I come up with and I might post the results... for now, I've got a dog to let outside and a movie to watch...
speaking of movies, I should go in length about why my inspirations came into my characters the way they did... that'll be cool, especially with "Spirited Away"... the final puzzle piece of something I'd been conceptualizing for a while
